(a/n: anxiety awareness one shot <3 it might be a bit triggering for some people; i apologise in advance for any mistakes )
Briar's Point Of View
I breathe in and out as slow as I can. They say it helps. Eventually, I stop feeling this knot in my tummy.
I look out of the window, hoping and praying this will go away, as fast as it came.
I do this everyday. It's a part of my routine. However it gets to a point in which it gets me exhausted.
For a long period of time, I did not know what to call this. Constant worry and fear, my head racing with this ocean of thoughts, not being able to stop shaking my hand and my leg, sometimes shortness of breath - and specially these tummy aches.
But I soon figured out that this group of symptoms are what we like to call anxiety.
I am pretty sure all of you have heard about this word somewhere. It is something most people suffer from nowadays. And I happen to be one of them.
At first, it started with the fear of people. Fear of being judged at, and sometimes even the fear of being looked at. It's like wishing you were invisible, yet wanting people to notice you, notice that you're human and that you have feelings too.
I have never been a social person, and I have never had many friends. I don't really know how to socialise without constantly worrying about... everything. Is my hair okay? Are they pretending to like me? Do I have something on my face? Am I good enough to be talking to them? Yes - it sounds ridiculous - but it is true.
When you're out with your friends, sometimes it seems like they don't even notice you. In the middle of a crowd you don't make a difference because you know that you need to be cautious in any action. You don't want to be judged at, right?
And the worst part is when you make a mistake. Because then your mind will not stop replaying it, over and over again. Is that the definition of overthinking? Overreacting? I am not sure. Perhaps it's a bit of both.
You keep on feeling ashamed everytime you remember that one mistake. And you feel stupid. You start hating yourself.
Other times, you just feel anxious with no reason at all. And alongside with anxiety, depressive thoughts come too. It's like you fell into a deep black hole and you don't know how to get out. At least, many people don't. But I do get out. All due to this one person that is always there for me, to make me laugh. Myles.
Myles is my boyfriend. We have been together for two years, and those have been the best - yet the worse - years of my life. He is literally everything a girl could wish for. He treats me like a princess.
And yes - sometimes I am too scared of not being good enough for him. But he always tells me he is the one who isn't good enough for me, and that I am gorgeous both inside and out. I try to pretend I believe him, and sometimes he buys it. But not anymore.
With this amount of symptoms, we decided to visit a therapist. And thankfully it has helped. But not enough to make my tummy aches go away. To be completely honest, none of these symptoms are gone, but now I know how to try and control them.
Eventually, the pain in my stomach goes away. I sigh in relief.
I have been feeling exactly like this these days. I didn't really know the reason as to why I felt like this. Maybe because I have been stressed. Maybe because my self-esteem is low. Maybe because Jessy and I had a huge fight the other day, and now she won't even pick up my calls or read my messages. I guess I just lost my best friend.
And maybe it's better like this. I mean, who would even want to be friends with me anyways. I am so useless and ridiculous. Maybe everyone would be a whole lot better if I just disappeared.
