Ethan changed after that night.
Except for the everyday sunset photos, he doesn't really talk to me that much anymore. Our silly banters of exchanging puns is not that frequent anymore. He doesn't message me that much either.
Is he just busy? Or I did something that hurt him?
I thought of that night when we were both sitting in the swings. He told me something that I did not hear. I asked what he said. He lied.
His eyes gave it away. The eyes told me that he was not telling the truth. That the words I misheard wasn't thank you but something else.
Something else.
It was something else and it was something important.
Something important.
What could it be?
I wanted talk to him about it but I know he will not say anything. I feel that he will just not say anything.
And I was preoccupied.
Friend.
My thoughts were overbearing that time.
Ethan is my friend.
When our eyes met that night and I saw the universe inside of him so open and so vulnerable.
I saw something that I was so scared of. So afraid of. And my thoughts automatically came over me in futile attempts of defense. Of protecting myself.
Friend. Friend. Friend.
All I was thinking of is that he is my friend. My friend. My only friend. The only friend that I had when I moved in here.
Ethan is my friend.
And those thoughts betrayed me that night.
It's Thursday night. I'm lying sleepless in my bed. The room is quiet. My arms exploring the empty spaces of the sheets like it's looking for something. My eyes fixated on the emptiness of the ceiling.
I suddenly felt so empty.
Friend.
I felt a black hole building up inside of my chest.
Friend.
And I felt so helpless.
Friend.
So lonely.
Friend.
So sad.
Friend.
So devastated.
And a thought so overwhelmingly terrifying came into me that tears just came flowing down from my eyes.
I am crying. I am crying. Why am I crying? Why do I feel so sad?
I thought of Ethan. And how devastated he was that one morning when he felt so lonely.
How I saw that black hole building inside of him.
And how my embrace managed to keep his emotions at bay.
Ethan. I'm slowly feeling him drifting away. And it feels so excruciatingly painful.
And now, that same black hole in him is now building up inside of me—eating me slowly into the darkness.
Am I going to lose Ethan?
YOU ARE READING
The Dictionary of a Hopeless Romantic Wordsmith (2020)
Любовные романы"There are certain emotions that cannot be described with words. I wish to fill that void." With a novella due in a month and writer's block haunting his very own existence, Andrei must navigate through the labyrinths of the city in search of words...
