I often find myself pushing everyone away. But when all i really want is for someone to tell me its gonna be okay...even when we both know its never going to be okay. I want someone that would drop anything to come and see me and talk. Im not even talking about a relationship. I just want a friend, and very close friend.. To be there for me. Someone that will take hour long walks even if its 3 in the morning. Or someone that would stay on the phone for hours with me, when i feel like crying. But I've lost hope in that... Because no one is ever gonna care for me that much. Not even myself.
But in another sense, i have such a hard time talking to people at school. It seems like theres always this force of something that stops me every time i want to say something. I find it so much easier for myself to message people. I am friends with people, on Facebook... I message them. But when i see them at school or in public, i can never find the courage to even look at them. Thats what makes people so confused about me. They think im just messing with them. So they stop talking to me.
I felt that i should mention one very important person in this reading. Now you might find this very confusing, but hey thats the title. You opened it, you get what you opened. Anyways... There is this one guy, i consider him my best guy friend. Ive told him things i haven't even told my mother. I have such a hard time trusting people. But he was... Different. He considers me one of his best friends as well. The thing is, we have never spoke in person before. Yes thats the confusing part. Its all my fault. I feel like I've really messed things up with him. Like i said; i push people away. He does not understand that i have a problem. I told him that i could not talk to him in person because of my anxiety, trust issues, and my shyness. He was supposed to talk to me on a monday, i was so exited. I even told my one and only best friend(my female best friend). What happened? He walked right past me. I don't know why, but i was furious. Mad. I didn't message him for a whole week. Out of the blue he messaged me. Me being the stupid person i am, acted like a stupid asshole bitch. (Sorry not sorry). Apart from me being mad at him, i was having a pretty shitty day. So that made me even more meaner. He put up with my attitude for a bit but he hasn't messaged me back since.
He doesn't even know how much he means to me. No friends (except for my female bestie) have ever mattered to me. It scares me about how close I've let him to me. I pushed him away, and look where im at now. Stupid, regretful, bitchy girl. I had a crush on him. But he didn't like me like that. I realized i wanted us to be friends. So i guess i took it back. I don't know myself how i feel about him. But i know that i care very much about him. I cannot loose him. I myself, am confused.
(Good news, i didn't mess things up, i think)
