Life after breakup

Just after the breakup

It had been almost 2 hours since she left my flat.I was sitting in my room , wondering why  all all of that happened to us.
We were so good together , we love each other , wasn't that enough to be together ?
But my heart had become numb and mind didn't want to answer anything, my male ego was just throwing some random shit towards me , that I wanted to dodge. Then there was message from her, "please have some food" and I replied "it's not your concern anymore".
I couldn't take that anymore. I knew I was in big trouble right then,  I couldn't decide what to do. I went to the kitchen , well my kitchen has always been a mess like my life , I cooked something for myself and then drove to get some beers. I drank. Well may be that was the first time I was drinking alone.i had two beers then I ate my food. I was stopping myself from crying  but I cried a lot that day may be the most I had ever cried. I couldn't fool myself to behave like I didn't care .
I do care a lot about us. She didn't even realize why I was angry , she just wanted to find the fault in me because maybe she was too afraid of herself that she wouldn't be able to leave me that's why she wanted a proper reason for that and bingo she got one now. That shit is scaring me a lot. thousands of thoughts like those were crossing my mind. I wish my mind should stop working and my heart could have some rest. I should have been be more practical and more selfish but I couldn't be and I never will be.
These things are gonna haunt me for lifetime. The question now is , is  being too good for others is my mistake,  giving her the dedication she never deserved ?
I am quite reserve type of person . she always knew that I don't entertain people who don't matter in my life. I was always the kind of guy who loved to be with small Bunch of loyal peoples who would support me in my ups and down. I don't want people in my life who are not going to matter in long run. I always respected her but I don't want her to give attention to anybody else. That's makes me a bad person ,really? , I wanted to get the answer of this question and in finding all the answers and thinking about all those ,  I heard that birds were chirping and it had been morning . I lit a ciggrate while the sun rose and that gave me little hope that no matter what but things were gonna change may be she was not gonna comeback but things were gonna change for sure. I slept with a smile on my face .Around 12pm my phone started ringing it was a call from my boss, I told me him that I was sick and I will not be able to join the office that day and then I slept again but my mind wanted me to keep wondering about her. I decided to give it a last chance but I missed the logic here, you can't do it alone you need her also in that. So I decided I will talk to her in the evening.I am bit impatient kind of guy so I couldn't be able to wait till the evening and started  pinging from afternoon and she was not responding then there was a status from her "Every mood is right now bs seh lenge thoda". Then she was in bus from ujjain to Pune so I started calling her she was not picking my phone then she finally did and said " I left you ,you don't deserve me." really. Those words were like someone is stabbing you with a sharp knife. Something started to burn inside me and I said "Just because you got someone else to talk, all those promises , all those stuff which you said to me don't even matter for you". She was judging the relationship on basis of past 6 months. Well  it's really been a tough choice for her and she thinks that she is independent but her thought process totally depends upon the people around her.
So we are over now she left me like  I was some garbage bag that you have to throw out of your house to clean up the mess I don't deserve ,do I? may be I do . Literally if I was brave enough I would have killed myself.  A clean death would be more better than dying like this and nothing is clear , she should have stopped and told me what was the reason behind that I don't know whom to blame now. I should blame her but why should i , no I won't. should I blame myself , yeah I made some mistakes but I am human too , I have all the rights to get angry, possessive and all but then what ?
is the destiny responsible for all of this ?
is everything written?
All those claims about the future prediction are true ,  you can't create your future. If something is destined for you , it will happen at any cost no matter how hard you try.
well fuck all that I don't know right know and may be I won't be able to figure it out for more years to come.let's have some beer again atleast it puts me in a happy mood, cheers!