My Name Is Brandon

IV.

Who I have become today came from the result of me coming out. Growing up as a Mexican Gay male definitely had its challenges. I think for every person who identifies their sexuality differently from the norms of society or the "default" has gone through some feelings of fear. Religion and ethnicity can certainly play a big role on how you experience your story.

Thankfully, today's society is very accepting and embraces the different sexualities of people. Unfortunately in some places such as schools, this may not always be the case. Any form of unacceptance, discrimination, and bullying should be strongly discouraged and immediately eliminated. While school played a part of me experiencing negativity for my sexuality, I was also struggling with identifying who I was. Knowing that my parents grew up and were brought up with Catholicism, I wasn't exactly sure what to think and where things would go for me. Coming out can be extremely scary no matter how close a family can be.

My parents did not have much when I was first born. They got married right after high school and had me at the age of nineteen. They struggled a lot with poverty, no further education, and no family support in their adolescence. Times were different back then, especially where they grew up in El Paso, Texas. During their times of deep struggle, God and prayer was all they had to hold on to.

In the old-traditional Mexican culture (where my parent's grew up as children), they did not discuss much about sexuality and referred to the old testiment when it came to the gay agenda. It was often made fun of or not even talked about. Even though I did not grow up in this environment, I did not know that I would have to address what my sexuality was with my parents.

At first it was hard. I did not receive the reaction I wanted, and moments leading up to me coming out resulted in self harm and suicidal thoughts. Of course I knew my parents loved me, but the fact of me coming out to them scared me and left me with no reasonable thinking other than that they would not react the way I hoped. I am a very sensitive person when it comes to my emotions. I feel them too strong. Sometimes, they hit me and impact me way more than I know they should. It's both a blessing and a struggle.

I felt like an emotional rollercoaster. Coming out to them in the way that I did it was not really my choice and felt forced. I had been called into the counseling office because one of my friends had concerns about me self-harming and my depressive thoughts. She had already known what I was going through and I could not have thanked her more for contacting the authorities. This led to me discussing my issues and my purpose for my dangerous actions with the school counselors. I was fourteen at the time in the eighth grade.

Discussing with the counselor about my sexuality and the fear of not knowing my parent's reaction provoked action that was necessary. My mom was soon informed about what was going on and came to pick me up at the school. The counselor told her about my depressive thoughts and my self harming. He asked me if I wanted to be the one to tell her over the phone that I was gay. At the moment, I just could not bring myself to do that. I asked him if he could do that for me, which he did.

Although my mom was supportive and happy when she saw me, she was deeply concerned about what I was doing to myself and the thoughts I was having. She was hurt and scared for me. My mom, like me, did not know how my dad would react. It was only a matter of time before my dad would come home to me and my mom.

My dad's reaction was a bit more complicated. At first, I don't think he wanted to believe it. He was thinking that I was "doing this" because it was a "trend" or that I wasn't sure. The reaction I got from him seemed as if he were shocked. He did not look at me when speaking and was covered by his hat. I don't blame him for the reaction that he had. I mean after all this could have totally gone worse. Not to mention that they both had to acknowledge the fact that I was hurting myself and having these thoughts.

They also told me that they knew growing up as a gay male would be difficult and that there would be stressful situations in life regarding my sexuality.

It took a short time for my dad to fully accept it. My mom explained to me that they just were shocked and did not know how to react. They lacked the information about the LGBTQ community and it was just a topic that was not discussed nor taught about to them. They just simply didn't know much about the subject.

If I could go back in time, I wish that I could have made the whole event smoother. I wish I didn't self harm or had these thoughts. I wish that the office wouldn't have had to contact them and scare them. I wish that I could have sat down and told them what was happening. It was unfortunate the way things occurred.

I do not blame them or have any negative feelings towards the way things went. I understand completely why I received the reaction that I did. What I write is not to bring down my parents nor trash talk them. On the contrary, I have the best parents I could ask for that love and support me. I am very fortunate to have the parents I have today. They have always been there for me and will continue to be. I love them so much.

It is extremely noteworthy that my parents were widely recognized, respected for who they were, were seen as role models, and were often seeked by others for advice. Although it was hard at first, my feelings of negativity soon passed. After a short time they then became very supportive and loving for who I was. Every year since the eighth grade, we all go as a family to the Annual Pride Parade held in Seattle, Washington. My mom and sister participate in the parade as well, same with other family friends and family coming to show their support. All for what? To support love in all its forms. This helped me become the person I am today: a product of my parents. I soon rose above from the dark hole I was in and started to live my life as happily as I could. I rose above from the people that had shut me down and become a well-known and well-respected figure.

Later on in high school, I experienced certain events and situations where my sexuality was used against me in a hurtful way. The bullying, the teasing, I mean it's almost written in stone to happen. Just the word "gay" itself is used as an insult and is tossed around as a joke. In these moments, I would sometimes relapse into my old way of thinking that being gay was a mistake and allow my depressive thoughts to get to me.

But how can being who I truly am be a mistake? How can lying to myself and suppressing my feelings of love be right? This love is glorious and it is true happiness. Any person that denies me of this love or shuns me for what I can't control is not worth my time nor the attention.

With the help of my parents, my friends, and myself, I became better at dealing with these situations and realizing that it's just not worth it to be put through that. I am stronger and better than to be put down over something that I don't need approval from others.

This was all the product of me overcoming this challenge. I have indeed struggled early in life, felt lost and alone, and felt like it was over for me. I tried my hardest to break out of that shell that didn't allow me to be who I was and become who I am today. My motivation came from my parents and my strive for being a better person for myself and for others. I will continue to be who I am as long as I live.