If heart ache was a physical pain, I could face it.

Part Twenty Four

Tom’s POV

“Anne!” I shout as her eyes flutter shut and she slumps in her chair. I manage to catch her so she doesn’t hit her head on the table, and I hold her at arms length scanning her face desperately for any sign of life.  “Anne please open your eyes, come on baby girl!” I close my eyes briefly praying that this is all just a bad dream, praying that she’s okay, and praying that when I open my eyes this nightmare will all be over. But it’s not. This is real life, and the harsh reality is that the girl I love is lying limp in my arms.

I’m vaguely aware of someone bending down to my level and placing their arm around my shoulder,

“The ambulance has been called. But, Tom, mate we need to lie her down.” Nathan says to me, reaching to help me but I push his hand away with one of my hands, without letting go of Anne with my other. I pick her up gently before looking desperately at the floor, Siva gets what I mean and takes his jacket off so I can lay Anne partly on top of it, before I take mine off also and screw it up to place under her head. How long has it been now? How long has it been since she took her last breath? Shouldn’t I be doing something? I vaguely remember the first aid lessons I had at school, I press two fingers against the inside of her wrist and feel nothing, but before I can fully process what that means I’m placing my hands together on the top of her chest and pushing up and down. Am I being too rough? Am I not doing it hard enough? Why didn’t I pay more attention in school!? I stop the compressions and bring my mouth down to hers while covering her nose with my hand, and begin breathing life into the person I love, but still the only movement in her chest is from the air that I force into her lungs.

“Where the fuck is that ambulance!” I scream after another couple of minuets of trying to bring my girl back to me with no such luck. But whatever the answer is I don’t hear it as I’m too busy watching Anne. I’d give anything, to hear her say my name again. I’d give my life just to see her chest rise and fall again. I wipe at my eyes angrily as I start crying, I can’t remember the last time I cried.

 I don’t cry.  

“Anne please.” I beg, my voice breaking, thick with tears. “It’s too soon, we had weeks left yet, I was going to take you all the places you wanted to go while the Doctors looked for your new liver. We were going to go to Paris for a weekend, I had you tickets to see Ed and Dappy in concert. Just open your eyes and we can do all those things. Please.” I whisper, tears streaming down my face as I place my head on her chest. I can’t live without her. I won’t.

“Mate the ambulance is here, you need to move.” Nathan says, gripping my left arm tightly but when I don’t move I feel someone else grab my other arm, pulling me roughly away from my girl.

“Get off me!” I try to get them to let go but they won’t, and I’m forced to watch from afar as the paramedics talk to my girl asking her to respond, but if she won’t do it for me why the hell would she do it for them? They place an oxygen mask over her beautiful face and put her onto a stretcher before lifting her up and walking towards the exit. “Wait.” I shout, my voice hoarse, as I finally push the boys off me and sprint after them. “She’s my girlfriend.” I say in desperation, as they nod at me and gesture for me to follow them into the ambulance.

As soon as the doors are shut we’re moving, and the paramedics are doing all sorts of tests;  needles  and machines everywhere, and I’m all too aware of the one man who’s job it is to constantly pump air into Anne’s lungs. And the other with the defibrillator trying to force her heart to beat again. It’s then that it finally crosses my preoccupied mind that they don’t know. They need to know.

“She.” I start but my voice is so quiet and chocked that they don’t hear me. I swallow before trying again, and this time my voice is more audible. “She has liver cancer; the Doctor says she had weeks yet.” I cry in desperation .

“Call ahead to the hospital telling them to prep the theatre, hopefully they’ve found that liver.” One of the medics calls to another who starts doing as he’s told. And that’s when it hits me. This could be it. If they haven’t found a donor yet, she can’t wait any longer. This time tomorrow she could be... I grab my head in my hands pulling at my hair, I can’t think about that, so my thoughts turn to anger instead; we were told no stress, stress would be too much for her. Why the hell did I agree to tonight? Who decided to keep it a secret that Charly and he would be there? If I had known there’s no way we would have come, surely everyone knew it wouldn’t end well?! And who’s fucking idea was it in the first place! And Max. He’d better hope I don’t see him again, causing that stupid argument about that fucking song. And it’s then that I realise I started it all with that stupid kiss. This is my fault. And now Anne’s dying. This is my fault.

The next thing I’m aware of the doors of the ambulance are being thrown open and they're taking my girl away from me again. I shoot out of my seat following them to the hospital, as they walk with urgency towards the door. Once we’re inside we’re surrounded by organised chaos; paramedics talking to Doctors about things I have no hope in understanding, Doctors talking to Surgeons, no one noticing me.

“Take her down to surgery one.” I suddenly hear someone say. Surgery one? Surely that means they've found a donor? I feel a seed of hope get planted deep inside my chest as we carry on flying down endless hallways. The big doors of the surgery soon loom in front of me, and Anne gets pushed inside before two men are suddenly standing before me, blocking my entrance. They can’t do this.

“Move!” I shout while trying to push past them, but they just. Won’t. Move.

“Just listen to us a second.” One man says to me and I instantly stop struggling, surely after they’ve said what they have to say, I can go in. Right? “We’ve found a donor, it came in today.” He continues as a smile spreads across my face, she’s going to be okay! My hope has flowered into a full grown garden, and just want to punch the air and celebrate. She’ll be okay! “However, unfortunately, it’s not a one hundred percent match, so the chance of her body rejecting it is significantly higher than that of acceptance.

What?

I can barely stand any longer as his words sink in. My beautiful garden’s died, just as my girl might.

“O..Okay.” I only just manage to force out. I can go and see her again now right?

“We’re going to have to ask you to stay here, during the operation, someone will keep you updated.” One Doctor says before they both turn their backs on me.

“No.” I say while grabbing the one who spoke by his scrubs and turning him around. “I’m coming in.” I say forcibly now.

“No. You have to stay here, in order for us to do our job to the best of our ability and therefore increasing Anne’s chance of survival, you need to stay here. Now, if you try that again I will ask security to lead you off the premises. I take a step back, holding both of my hands up to show them I’ll behave, as they once more turn to leave. The doors swing shut with a click of finality as I hear the automated lock click in place. This is it. This is where I wait, with no idea of how my girl is. Whether she’s dead or alive.

My legs finally give way and I fall to my knees, my head in my heads, shoulders slumped, painfully crying my eyes out. Wishing more than anything that it was my lying unconscious on the table, and that my girl was still happy with Max, feeling no pain because she never loved me. I’d let Max have her, I’d walk away just to know she was safe and happy.

“Please let her be okay.” I whisper, to whom I have no idea, I’ve never been on to believe in God. “Let her be okay, I’ll do anything, I promise. Just let her be okay.” I beg. “Just let her be okay.”