Obey.

18

I feel numb
Numb even when the sun shines down on me
Numb even when you smile brightly at me
Numb when you call out my name
Numbly, I know I'll never be the same....

Hayley

As soon as I saw Cayden I wanted to run and throw myself into his arms, clinging to the only person who showed me kindness without asking for anything in return. The burn of the chain slicing up my skin, held me back. The flashes of my screams of terror and the pool of my own blood I had been forced to sleep in, came to mind.
Today I wore my usual long sleeved shirt and pants but now I also had to have on fingerless gloves to hide the slices on my hand.
So, I held myself back, blanked my expression as I willed myself to stop shaking like a leaf. Breathing in and out of my nose slowly. When I noticed Cayden cock his head and start to turn to look at me, I instant blanked my face and threw on a tight smile.
Slowly, I made my way to the table in the middle of the room where Cayden was. He wore a striped collar button down shirt and had faded jeans on. His mouth pulled into a lopsided smile as I settled in but when he looked at my face his expression instantly changed to concern. I dropped my gaze, not knowing what he was reading on it.
"Hi," I managed to get out as I tried making myself seem busy by getting out a pencil and paper.
"Hey, are you okay?" Such a simple question but one that felt it hit straight in the gut. I blinked a few times as I stared at the collar of his navy blue shirt, unable to meet his eyes.
Was I okay? No. Not at all. I felt like a rat trapped in a maze. I could run this way or that way, but I would remain trapped in a box, my keeper watching my every move. For a moment there I had become numb. Did as I told. Tried to be the best I could be to avoid a beating or worse. And for a while it worked out. For a while it didn't matter to me what happened to my body. It was Hunter's, I had accepted that. Allowed him to use and abuse me as he saw fit.
But now he was more violent than ever, beating me more often than ever, worse than ever. And with Cayden coming to town, smiling at me, being gentle and understanding. Suddenly the need to be free, the need to get away from my abuser was too strong to ignore.
"Hayley?" The world came back to me as I noticed his hand reaching for me, I flinched back, not because I thought he was going to hurt me, but because I was afraid to have his scent anywhere near me now. "You're shaking." Still I couldn't meet his eyes as I stared down at the black carpeted floor.
"'S okay, let's just..." I trailed off as Cayden came down on his knees in front of me, peering up at my face. My eyes widened at how close we now were. Scrambling to my feet, I started to shake harder.
"Stay away from me," I held my hands up to him as I watched him slowly stand up to face me.
"Hayley you're not making any-" and then his head cocked slightly to the side as he looked at my hands. What? Did this guy have X-ray vision? Suddenly I was scared he could see through my gloves so I quickly put them down.
There was just some things that were too much to hide. I used to not have to try. People left me alone, didn't question or push. But Cayden wasn't one to let anything go. He questioned everything, noticed everything. It was hard to hide behind a mask with him around.
"Hey," his hand hovered in the air before dropping after watching me flinch away again. "I'm always here, if you want to talk." His soothing tone has me dragging in a deep shaky breath before I nodded, slowly stepping around him to go sit down. And he did the same.
"Sorry," I wiped away a single tear that escaped. "Rough night. Let's just get started. Distractions and all that," I pulled out a pencil as Cayden sat back in his chair, his eyes never leaving my face, and they kept staring at my hands. God, I was such an idiot everyday I didn't wear gloves and here I was, unsuccessfully trying to make it look like fashion. I should have worn leather black pants and a lace front white long sleeved top, maybe even throw in a bandanna headband. Putting the outfit together but I had been in a rush. Suddenly in Cayden's presence it felt like a big red flag.
I could feel the intensity of his stare but couldn't risk letting my secret slip.
How would he look at me? If he knew I let myself get abused night after night by my own boyfriend? If he saw the scars and bruises?
He'd realize how much of a garbage human you were. Just trash. A helpless victim like his mother had been. Maybe he hated her for her weakness like he will hate you.
Glancing over, I wondered if he already suspected. When Hunter first started abusing me I couldn't believe no one could see the difference in me, couldn't believe they looked me straight in my eyes and couldn't tell something was wrong.
Save me, I wanted to beg. Because I can't save myself. I'm weak and pathetic and can't even run away when I get the chance.
"I have something for you," Cayden pulled out a small cellphone. It was a black flip phone.
My face must have read confusion. "Look, I know you have a boyfriend, I know you live with him and don't want to do anything to be kicked out. So here, a stash phone. To safely call me when you need me. Or we can just text."
"Why?" I cleared my throat at how hoarse it sounded. Ignoring his gaze as I stared down at the phone.
Why do you want to be my friend? Why have you gone out of your way to get me a phone so we can text and call? A million questions popped inside of my head. What's wrong with him, that he doesn't know how to mind his own business?
"I need a reason to want to be your friend? Okay, well for starters, I feel like we can relate."
"How?"
"Well you lost your family, I lost my mother. And her death has caused my father to be distant. So it's like losing both. See? We have something in common," he said as he pulled a pencil out of his bender case. "Another reason? I see you."
His words made me freeze. I've suspected he saw right through me from the very start.
"As in," he looked up with a smile, "I see you're a good person. Who needs a friend. I need a friend too. So," he shrugged like isn't it obvious?
He picked the phone up and held it out for me to take. Slowly I grabbed it, and with lightening speed he caught my wrist in his hand and flipped it over. Eyes wide, I could only watch in horror as he pulled the glove down, revealing the slice mark on my hand.
His face mirrored my own as for a second we just stared at each other as I tried to think of an excuse but came up short.
Savagely, I yanked away from him as I stood up. Now angry that he had dared touch me without asking.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I nearly shouted as I grabbed up my bag, throwing in the pencil and paper and even the stupid phone before zipping it up. "I told you don't touch me. Don't come near me. Stop trying to talk to me about anything but school work got it?" I was hyperventilating at this point, my shoulders heaving as I turned to face him, feeling the blood rush to my face.
He just sat starting at me with wide eyes and I could see something flash within them but I refused to look too long. "Hay-"
But I cut him off with a glare.
"We can try again tomorrow," I huffed before storming off . He really betrayed my trust with that move. How dare he touch me. How dare he act kind and wave a gift in my face. I knew it. Gifts were just lures. I clutched my bag, it made me want to grab the phone and toss it back at his head. But I didn't want to turn back now.
It felt like clay had been shoved down my throat as I ran towards the exit, not wanting Cayden to follow me.
Being around Cayden I had smiled, relaxed, allowed him to hug me and even laughed out loud.
I remember the first time I laughed since becoming Hunter's "pet", when we were watching tv together and for some reason this joke really got me. It caused me to start laughing out loud, a deep bellowing aching laugh that lasted for a few minutes, every time I thought about the joke it sent me over the edge all over again in a fit of laughter. The sound was even strange to my own ears. But it was really funny. Looking over, Hunter looked at me with an expression I couldn't read, as he said, "C'mon it's time for bed."
What his expression meant, I would realize too late as we went to bed that night and his touches started to turn brutal.
And then I understood his look, it kept flashing back in my mind. Over and over.
My happiness had made Hunter annoyed for some reason. After that night, he was determined to never hear me laugh again.
And so I wouldn't. Not with him and I shouldn't have with Cayden. It made him too comfortable with me. And he wasn't worth another night of pure hell.