To Walk On This Path (A GOD STORY)

The Decision

I sat on my bed. Looking at it, it was a plain room, with a bookcase here, a dresser there, a mirror in the corner, a closet on the side, four walls on the outskirts coated with a dull teal, and a white door at the end, closed. 

What no one could see was the ghosts in my room. The specters that loomed inside the vapid air between my four walls, the ghouls that, if my defenses slipped, would run their cold slithering tendrils up my leg, around my chest, and into my mind. Dark secrets they would prod, presenting sins transiently forgotten, arising pain temporarily released - and in the darkest moments of their warped festivities, a voice would come.

I was terrified by that voice, for it did not linger in the caverns of my bed, nor in the shadows of my closet, but in the roots of my own heart.

They lie to you, it would seep candidly. "I love you" is an obligation, not a sincerity. They abhor your existence and always will. What have you done to deserve their affection?

Nothing. I had done nothing...in fact, everything I had done incited their wrath and disgust.

In agonizing desperation I would claw for a foothold, only to have the lifeline ripped away by another truth, another lie, another sin. I was drowning, sinking, being consumed by my own corruption that festered in the deepest parts of my heart. I was crippled with a gaping hole in my soul that bore a thousand scars from my attempts to fill it.

More, the voice would urge, all you need is more. But there was nothing more. Everything I chose was temporary. Everything I trusted betrayed me in the end. Every antidote I drank became a deadly poison that suffocated my very being.

My fate was sealed. For who could rescue a person from their own self?

And yet... when I walked out with my thinly veiled disguise, I would see them, these Christians - some of them supposed to be suffering worse than I - with smiles on their faces and joy in their hearts. Contentment was their food, forgiveness their gift, and love their very nature.

What made them different? Why were they not plagued with their own demons? How could they live with such peace in the midst of such misery? Why were they, ordinary people like myself, shining so brightly while I stood withering in my own wretched decay?

In truth, I did know the answer. But I was too afraid to try it myself. Why? Simple.

I was selfish. I did not want to give my life to an unseen God and his rules. I wanted to do things my way, in my time, and in my place. The idea that God had a plan for my life that would surpass my own was too perfect to be true. I did not trust him, I could not trust him, and the notion that I would even consider placing my life in his hands was ludicrous.

So when, in those rare moments, I felt his presence and the choice he offered, I turned away... --And continued slipping, starting to wonder if my existence would ever be missed, believing my life was a paltry leech that sucked away the joy from others. I could sense my resistance waning, my strength crumbling bit by bit. All the stubbornness of my will was slowly disintegrating to a heap of hopeless despondency.

I do not know when it happened, how it happened, or why it came to be. But one day, I could not only feel my gradual demise, I could finally see it in the rationale of my brain.

Time seemed to freeze as I stood in front of a crossroad. One road was coated with mud, sludgy and steep, and alongside it were living trees that extended razor sharp branches to grope along its path. Throughout the black wood, I could see my familiar ghouls dispersed, hiding in the shadows of the disfigured forest while their hisses and moans penetrated the eerie silence.

Movement caught my eye at the end of the path, and I watched as two of the largest trees grew a scarlet branch. Meeting above a sharp thicket, they intertwined, twisting and grinding while the dark pigment separated from the bark and dripped down, splattering on the thicket below. Finally the twin branches stopped, and there appeared a bulging, bloody noose.

I quickly averted my eyes, searching desperately for another solution.

There! Swiftly my gaze took in the new path's features, assessing its possibilities.

It was neither glamorous nor sinister. It had no rocks or roots that littered its ground, nor any potholes or sinking sands that obstructed its followers. It was a straight, narrow path that extended far beyond the forest road.

Of course, in some areas it was dusty earth, and in others it was soft grass, but all throughout it was constant in its direction and security. Though the surrounding black woods tried to break and overrun this path, the intruding branch would always perish before it could reach its goal; as before its bark could touch the even ground, a magnificent light from the end of the path would shine with such a living intensity that it caused all the forest to cower, and the branch, exposed to this light, would erupt into flames, soon disintegrating into thin air.

My heart beat rapidly in my chest as I stood in front of these paths, and as my courage began to build, the voice rose with it, paralyzing my body and crushing my lungs with its terror.

You will not leave! You cannot! He will never accept you now, and if He does, He will ruin you! You can live and enjoy these pleasures yourself, you can-

"NO!" I cried, "Be gone! I will make my own decision!"

Sudden silence ensued, and I stood for a moment, shocked. My ragged breath filled the air; my whole body tingled as if adrenaline raced through my veins. A torrent of emotion, fear, relief, dread, awe, overflowed within me. I whispered to myself, as if testing the waters:

"I will make my own decision, and nothing will stop me."

And as I stood, a presence so small, yet at the same time, so strong, kindled in my soul.

His presence was here. And, I knew now, it had always been here, waiting for me.

As I closed my eyes, I acknowledged the weight of my sin, my pain, my flaws, my incomplete self, letting down my barriers and reaching out with my heart. I stepped onto His path with my bare feet, feeling the poison, and the sin, and the hurt slowly drain from my body as I dug my toes into the cool rich earth. Before me, the light shown like a beacon, and one step at a time, keeping my eye trained on that light, I walked forward.

I sat on my bed. Seeing anew, it was a simple room, with a bookcase here, a dresser there, a mirror in the corner, a closet on the side, four walls on the outskirts painted with a bright teal, and a white door at the end, open.

Soon, what all would see was God's presence in my life, and how much His love would shape and mold me into the person He created me to be. But for now, one light filled the fresh air between my four walls that seemed to immortally encompass me in its loving embrace:

Hope.