Understanding You

PREFACE

I felt shattered. I had never felt like this ever before and wished not to feel like this ever again. I looked up at the moon and sighed heavily. Was this feeling going to be forever ethced in my heart? Why did I feel so damn out of hope? I lost my big brother. I had lost him forever. Yet somehow I could feel his kind touch, his warmth, the look in his generous eyes.

I remember how Jared and I used to love watching the moon. It was one of our favourite things to do at night when we were small and when we were out of sleep. I can clearly picture his face now as I sit on the patio. The smile on his face when we used to visit each other, the sound of his voice, his laughter which was oh so full of life. His clothes which now are just a painful reminder of how he has left us.

I hated this feeling. I hated it. I felt like grabbing my heart out of my chest and smashing it so that I couldn't feel a thing. But I couldn't. I couldn't. I felt tears streaming down my cheeks in an uncontrollable motion.

I know that some weeks before his untimely death he had bought an expensive jacket. I had asked him on why he was not wearing it and he had told me that he was saving it for my birthday. Which is after one month. I don't know why but I immediately stood up and ran upstairs towards his bedroom, making everyone who was sitting inside the living room to look at me in surprise. I opened the door and started searching for his 'expensive jacket '. When I finally found it I quickly unzipped the packet and smelt it. I could smell his aroma. I guess he had worn it one or two times because he was bit of a show - off. I smiled midway between tears. But I was so quickly overtake by the sadness that I brokedown and sat on his bed. No matter how much I told myself not to cry it was becoming exactly opposite and I hated it. Why did I hate crying? I never liked showing my tears or for that matter never really cried in front of people. But I did cry myself to sleep. I cried in unusual places. Like while having breakfast or lunch with family or friends I could feel a lump forming in my throat. Like only the thought of certain things would easily make me cry but yet again I was strong or stubborn or weak to not to cry in public.

After sometime I felt a hand on my shoulder as I was quite busy clutching Jared's jacket. I looked up and was so thankful to see my best friend there. I quickly hugged her and I knew that she was crying too. She wiped my tears and asked how was I holding up. I shit her a poker face. She laughed a little which made me smile in return.

" I know. Was a stupid question to ask. " , she said. We both sat on his bed while I gently stroked the collar of his jacket. The smile from my face disappeared and I felt a pang of bitterness spread all through my mind and body.

" Am I ever going to come out from this stage of melancholy? I wish he hadn't died. I wish he hadn't died. I just wish......", I couldn't say another word.

Serena stroked my back as I let out a cry for my brother.
" You see when I lost my mother. I was only thirteen. And I have to say it was pretty hard for me to deal with the stress. I just didn't know how to cope up with it. My mind was on haywire. And so was my life. But there was one person for me who always had my back. And that person was you. You still are and always will be. You were there for me in my hard times. You have been there to support me. You were quite successful in guiding me out of the misery I was facing. You and of course how can I forget Jared were the ones to show me the brighter side of life when I felt and thought that there is no other side of life than this. But didn't I emerge out of the darkness? And it was all because of you two.

" Now we both know that Jared was very important in our lives. And heaven knows how much I miss him. But Zara if Jared were alive he wouldn't have wanted you to go on and on crying about it. I mean you do have to mourn and you can take your time. But all I'm saying is do not let the death of him make you hopeless. Jared would have wanted you to be happy. Even after his death."

Serena had been crying the whole time during her speech to me. I had been crying too. But I was amazed to see how strong she was since Jared and she were a thing back in highschool, but had developed quite a strong bond over the years. I can only imagine what she must be feeling right now. To lose someone so important and it was her second time.

I smiled at her and wiped her tears. I got up and put the jacket back inside the cupboard. I looked back at her and held her hand.

" Thank you,Serena. Thank you so much."