Let's Pretend

-1-

Astraea Grey

Hayden,

 I'm usually not sure of anything in this god damn world. I tend to confuse myself all the time. But I know one thing I'm certain of, that I love you with a depth the stars in the night sky wouldn't understand. Or even the depth of the ocean couldn't explain. I love you, in ways you've never loved, for reasons you've never been told, for longer than you think you deserve and with more than you ever knew existed inside of someone.                                                                  Yours truly,  Astraea Grey

My eyes scanned over the white paper filled with my neatly cursive handwriting. Taking one last glance, I folded the paper before stuffing it into an envelope. A small smile played on my lips I was making it seem like I was going to hand the letter to Hayden himself as I had neatly folded, not too long ago. I opened the draw to my right on my desk. I didn't react to the amount of letters that were piled up in the draw. All address to the infamous, Hayden Anderson. Instead of yapping my mouth to Hayden about my true feelings, I retreated to writing it down. It was the best way to escape reality. 

I was already aware of his feelings towards me. And they were no where near mine. I was like he's little sister. My nose scrunched up as I remember the day my friends and I were hanging out in my backyard. We were all sitting around by the pool, playing an little old game of truth or dare. I had been sitting on the steps with Hayden right beside me. His arm was draped around my shoulder as I leaned into his touch. We had been fourteen at the time, and I already knew I had strong feelings for him. 

Half of my friends knew, except Hayden. He was just blind like that when it came down to the simplest thing of liking someone. My friend Stacy sought this as her chance to spill the tea. A twisted smirked played on her lips as she had looked at me in Hayden's arm. I didn't mind at the time, seeing that she was Stacy. Sweet, shy little old Stacy. But boy was I wrong. She had cleared her throat before speaking "So Hayden do you have any strong feelings for Astraea over here" She pointed at me. My cheeks were beginning to heat up, before Hayden could even see my tomato face, I faced the water, shielding my face with my long blond locks.

Everyone were itching closer to hear what Hayden had to say that day. Finally, he opened his mouth. The words slipped off his tongue so sweetly, as it was a way for me to not feel bad. "No, she's like my little sister" He pulled me into a tight side hug, tucking my head underneath his chin. I mummbled a quick "Same here", and started getting lost in my thoughts.

I blinked several times as I snapped back into reality. I looked ahead of me, my own brown orbs looking right back at me, as I sat in front of my mirror. I didn't get it. I knew I was attractive, judging by all the compliments I received. And by just how my parents both looked. I had a great personality. I lowered my head scanning my body. I was wearing a black crop top with some shorts. My body seemed perfectly fine for someone who barely exercised. My boobs weren't too small or too big. Just the right size. And thanks to my genes I had great curves.

It hurt to say the least. That the boy I happened to be head over heels for, didn't even share the same feelings as me. Since August, I've been writing daily as Hayden himself had gotten a girlfriend. At first I was happy for him. I mean at the end of the day he's still me bestfriend and I can't exactly hate him for not liking me back. Even though it wasn't me he was kissing or taking out on dates, I was glad he stopped his little playboy charade he had going on. But as the days passed, I found it extremely difficult to slap a smile on my face and act all cheery. It was tiring to be completely and brutally honest.

So I opted for writing. Which was seemly working. Well aside from going through packs and packs of paper. It was doing fine. I looked at myself one last time in the mirror. My nose scrunched up from the small little purple bags I had forming under my eyes, and my eyes slightly red and puffy. And that my friend, was due to the fact of crying my eyes out. Last night, I had been on the phone with Hayden and he was yapping his mouth about his girlfriend. What broke me the most was when he blurted out that he loved her.

My heart shattered to pieces at the sound. Sure he said 'I love you' to me. But like I said before it was meant in a brotherly manner. I hated this situation. I didn't understand what was wrong with me. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop my feelings. Every boy I talked to or even went out with, I would compare them to Hayden. They didn't have that bright smile that will fill the room, the rich contagious laugh. The chocolate brown eyes that made me appreciate my own brown eyes. The eyes I would get lost in when starring into them. The problem was I had set such a high bar, the only person who checked all the things I wanted was my bestfriend.

I stood up from my chair and walked over to my bed, flopping onto it. My phone went off and I slowly lifted my hand reaching over for it.

"Hey Mads". I turned my body so I can lay on my back.

"Hey Rae." She sounded way to cheery on the other line. I felt myself get a little more intrigued into the conversation. "You will never guess what."

"Uh. You got the solo". 

"No that bamboo, Heather got it. I just think it's because the teacher doesn't like me. You know with me not being white." She mumbled the last part sadly. 

A gasp left my mouth, at her words. "Madison Jade, don't ever say that again. If the old hag of a teacher can't appreciate your dancing skill, then you find someone who does. And don't ever say that again. You are perfect just the way you are. Your skin color doesn't define who you are. It's your personality and your selflessness does. Between your goofy acts to your self-less acts, you're wonderful. And your dancing skills are the best. I'm jealous of them. And if that teacher can't see that because of your skin color, then walk out on her and find someone better. Someone who appreciates your dancing skills and doesn't judge you because of your skin color." I huffed out. That dance teacher in Madison's studio was starting to get on my last nerves. It was the twenty-first century. Why in the world were people still discriminating against people of color. Of people who have just as much of a right to be here as the people who were discriminating against them. It irked my nerves to say the least.

The other line was silent for a while. I strained my ears as I heard sniffling on the other side. "Mads, is every thing okay?"

Her laugh filled my ears, trying to lighten up the mood I guess. "Yes, just you little speech moved me to tears. Thank you, and I love you."

"I love you too".

"Okay now that we got all the sappy shit out the window. Guess who asked me on a date". She squealed earning a laugh from me.

"U-"

"Darnell James" Her voice gushed at the sound of his voice. I could already imagine her. She was probably jumping around her room and squealing as if she finally had gotten her pony she asked for back in second grade.

"Are you serious!?" I sat up on my bed. This was a big deal for Madison. We all went to school with Darnell, it's just we barely talked because he was the star quarterback. He sometimes hanged out at our lunch table, but that was mostly it aside for the occasionally 'Hey' in the halls. Madison has had a crush a him for the longest. Well since eight grade when he asked for a pencil in our math class. She called it love at first sight.

"Yeah. I ran into him at Frozen Peaks, making me drop my ice-cream all over him. He bought me a new one and asked if I wanted to go out with him next Saturday night. And I agreed."

"That's fan-fucking-tastic. And I'm coming over your house to help you get ready."

She giggled "Fine by me." She paused for a second and I could here her mom calling her. "Hey, I gotta run my mom wants me to wash the dishes."

"Bye love you."

"Love you too. I'll try calling you back". She hanged up on me before I couldn't even respond back. But I knew she had to hurry and wash the dishes, and knowing me I would've yapped her ear off to the point where the dishes would've stayed in the sink. Untouched.

I looked over at my untouched homework. I barely started it. I stared at my homework contemplating whether I should start it. I arched a brow as the homework, I really wasn't in the mood to do any more work. Grabbing my laptop off my nightstand, I opened Netflix.

Homework can wait.