Lonely in a crowd

I wrote this story on Danish as well if anyones interested. Anyways, I would love it, if you guys wouldn't comment and tell me what you think, and off course vote, if you like it. Thanks xxx

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Lonely in a crowd..

There I was, for the first times since the assault, nothing had changed, except me.
I just stood there, at my favourite place, surrounded by a crowd of people, who were rushing to buy the last gifts before Christmas. And I felt nothing . The magical feeling of standing in the bustling street, at Christmas time, with all the lights and happy and exited people surrounding me, was completely gone. Now I just stood there in the middle of it all, and felt nothing, nothing else than the Increasing pain of loneliness, hovering over me like a big black shadow.

My whole life I had been "the happy girl" I had always been positive, and everyone loved me for it. I had been the kinda person who could light up anyone's bad day. But ever since the assault, I hadn't felt like myself, I had changed. My philologist said it was normal to feel this way, the first time after. But it had been a long time, and the old Joy was like a stranger to me.

It was neither my families or boyfriends fault I felt this way. They had tried everything to get me back to normal, they had been so patient. They had tried and tried, but they just didn't understand me. No one understood me, or what id been through.
I felt so heartrending lonely, and now it was like their patience was slipping up. I could see I was hurting them, I could see the pain in their eyes. But there was nothing I could do, they just didn't get me.

I could look at myself in the mirror, and have a hard time recognising myself from the old pictures of me, I had on my nightstand.
There was no sparkle in my eye anymore, they just looked grey and sad. The beautiful sparkling green eyes I had before, had become soulless... My thick brown hair, was now thin and flat. My old sun kissed skin and always smiling face, now had a shadow over it, I had dark bags under my eyes, and my skin looked greyly, the healthy glow it used to have was gone. But worst of all, my smile had vanished... I was nothing like I used to be, I was the exact opposite. And everyone had a hard time accepting that.

My boyfriend Phillip had tried so hard to get me back. He had fought for months. But I could see how hard it was for him, to see the girl he once fell in love with, fade further and further away. He blamed himself for not being with me when it happened, for not rescuing me. I could see how his heart broke piece by piece for every time I woke up screaming and crying from one of my many nightmares. It frustrated him, all he could do to help was comforting me. I heard him yell at the doctor one day over the phone, he wanted to know how to get me back. What he didn't know was, I was long gone.

The years went by.. My family gradually stopped visiting.. And at last not at all. Phillip moved to France to start a carrier as an architect. So before I just felt alone, now I actually was. I was left to take care of myself, still drowning in huge amounts of self hatred, pain and a still growing loneliness.
I could see where they came from though, it must be horrible to see someone you care about suffer, walking around like a empty shell. But I couldn't help it! It was like everything inside me just shut down, as well as my ability to feel. To see the face of my rapper, was apparently too much for me to handle, so my emotions just shut off. And now I didn't know how to switch them back on.

One day when I was sitting and starring out the window like usual, I made my decision. I had been trying so hard to come back to life, after sitting at countless family get-togethers, hearing all the other guest talking lively and merry, laughing and enjoying themselves.
And still just sitting there, with emptiness filling me up inside. Now it was over, I was done suffering, and living to make other people happy, it was time to give up.

I went to the sea, and found the nearest bridge. There I stood and looked down at the water. I don't know how long, it's could be seconds, minutes, hours, maybe even days.
No one tried to stop me, no one cared. No one prevented me from taking that one final step over the edge. And I fell. As I hit the water, and slowly sank to into the unfathomable ocean, and further Into oblivion, all the pain disappeared for a While, and for the first time in years I smiled, as the dark consumed me and I closed my eyes one last time.