I don't want to think about it . I have to.
It hurts my brain, my eyes ache, stomach swirls, knowing that she's out there. Crushes my heart that she just slip away from my fingers. I feel helpless. I have no power. I have no voice in bringing her home. I can't make sure she's okay. I feel like a puppy jumping for a bone that's no where in its reach. Helpless.
I stare at the white ceiling from my white sheets that cover my white mattress, but I lay in a room of black.
This is where I think, in a bed. In a bed with white. White sheets, white blankets, white pillows filled with white feathers. In a bed with stiff springs that make a noise of nails on a chalk bored when you turn out the lights and hop into to go to sleep, I can't though, sleep. The word echoes in my mind. How amazing does that sound. S-l-e-e-p. I just wanna feel that again. The feeling of tiredness, drowsiness. I wish I could close my eyes, for a minute.
July 9 2012, the day where my happiness blew away with the wind. 7.9.12 was the day she disappeared. The day Elvira disappeared. I still remember the hot, humid day. It was a few days after the 4 of July and people still lit fireworks probably trying to get rid of any extras. We sat on the of a bench trying to catch any by eye, we had no luck, the sun shined through all the Sparks. We ended up only to hear the loud crash and boom. Didn't matter. We where there together.
She was wearing a Hadley Davidson muscle shirt, with high waisted shorts. I remember the tattoos of skulls and roses that covered her legs and arms. I can't forget the long black wavy hair that matched her jet black eyes. I remember the globs of makeup she would cake her face with. Although I never liked the layers of icing, I still thought she was the beautiful. Her long black nails made a click noise as they hit the keypad on her phone... she was always texting. It was like her life depended on it. I can't blame her, I did the same. At some point during a date she would look up. I would be focused on a phone screen. She would look up and smile showing her white teeth. At the corner of my eye I would see her and know that she was searching for attention. I would click the phone off and would would just look at each other. Later we would tell unrelated stories of whatever we thought was funny. That was the last time I saw her
The alarm clock goes off. The sound creates pain in my body. I listen to it sreech in my ear, demanding me to wake up. I lie there ignoring the device. I lie there not knowing if I'm too lazy to get up or my body is just unable to move. I sit here for several moments, then force myself to sit up. I kick the sheets off, I put my feet on the cold wooden floor, with my back slumped. My elbows rest on my knees with my hands dangling over. I look at the clock, it reads "7:40. I'm late. Don't care. I'm always late. Teachers don't mind though. With every everything I've gone through in the last few mouths they don't dare to scold me for being tardy.
I stare at the clock a bit and began to doze off. I sit there for minutes, I then gain fouces of the world, then drag my body out of bed. Making my way to the bathroom. I unplug the clock from the outlet and step into my small bathroom. The light bulb in my bathroom flickers. I guess I just never felt the erge to change it. I flip on the switch and listen to the soft hum from the light. It reminds me of the bees in the park Elvira and I would go to after school. She loved the little medow in the corner of the park. We would play games of tag, or just talk. Whatever she wanted to do at the time I would be there to listen or run a reasonable enough speed where she could tap my back. I always let her win.
I turn on the fossit and run the hot water. I let it run through my long fingers then make a cup with my hands. I splash the water on my face and rub my eyes. I drag my hands a long my face, then look up. I see a mirror. I see myself, I don't like what I see. In the glass I see a tall 17 year old boy. Brown messy hair, olive skin, blue eyes, hooked nose, and cheek bones. But I also see a boy who is scared of his own reflection. Someone who has sarrow in his eyes. I wear a mask. A mask that everyone is fooled by. That mask has a big white smile.
I break my attention from the mirror and look down at the sink. I see, toothpaste, toothbrush, and a razor blade, with dried blood.
I hate my life. I hate my life. The only words I repeat in my mind. This only words that seem to make sense. Hearing things like "Shes gone!" or "We can't find her!" really messes with your mind. After a while of hearing it so much. Your not sure what to believe, only that your losing you mind. I begin to feel tears tower in my eyes. Stay stong, man. Stay strong, man! STAY STRONG ELIOT! I repeat in my mind. To late. Tears rush down from my eyes like a river. I began to sob. I have no choice other then to grab the razor blade and gently slide it across the skin on my wrist. I smile as the blood rises from the cut. It adds to the other few dozen faded cuts. I lean over and watch my tears drops land on my wrist.
I'm happy.
