The Art of Being a Hopeless Romantic

Introduction to Hellfire

How does one go about falling in love after heartbreak? How do you even know how to recognize that kind of feeling anymore. I know everyone says that in the face of trials and tribulations, you have to just "get back onto the horse". That sentiment is great and all, but in the age of the internet and being the type of person I am, it's been three years and this dirt that I've grown accustomed to is feeling pretty cozy in some ways to the point that I think I've forgot how to stand up, never mind ride a horse. 

Have you ever just felt such a strong itch to text someone how you feel about them, but then you stop to think, "are these real feelings or did that young adult novel hit too close to home?" For years I have been distracting myself by watching films and various media of people in love. I have scoured the depths of Youtube for compilations of my favourite couples, and if anyone says they've never done that, well I believe you, because it's not a good idea. I have this idea of romance so built up in my head that I worry I will never be able to hold an actual relationship up. My last love was so dream-like, swept up in a summer romance that kept happening every time the season rolled around until it didn't. I destroyed myself for what felt like such visceral love, love that destroyed me. 

I have never been a patient person, in fact, my superpower/moral downfall is being impulsive. Which is ridiculous because half the time I overthink my actions for years to come, you'd think I would have learned my lesson by now. This applies to anything to do with emotions, I send that text as soon as it pops into my head. You know, the kind of text that makes or breaks your relationship with someone, that will destroy your friendship with someone or end in you making out in your car. 

The greater the risk, the greater the reward. Yeah, I have another piece to that puzzle, greater the risk, greater the reward or greater the defeat. This could be your happily ever after, or the end of your 2 year friendship. The worst part of it, is that I think like many of us, I have become addicted to that adrenaline, looking for that fix either from telling someone I have feelings for them, or staying up until two o'clock in the morning reading fanfiction. Always chasing that fix. I mean not always, I'm not always transfixed by love, not always being the key word.

One of the funniest things I find about being at my current age is that, generally, the people I know who are younger than me think I should have some kind of wisdom to provide about relationships, and on the other hand those older than me tend to tell me the opposite. In other words, that I couldn't possibly know anything about love. I'll be honest in saying that I am in the grey zone when it comes to this intellectual subject. I know I have been in love, but I am by no means an expert. I'm not even good at it, but some things are just common sense, or I used to think they were. I have bluntly asked myself, how do I feel about this person, and I'll admit, I don't know. These blurred lines and grey zones are where I exist now, and where I think a lot of us live. Never knowing if that will change from one day to the next. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but for me it feels very frustrating.

Well that's all I can think of for now, thank you for enduring the first chapter of many dealing with my personal word vomit, 

Much love to all,

SLB

Song of the Chapter: I Don't Want To Be In Love - Good Charlotte