May 18, 2020
Tonight, I'm sure you're already asleep. You sent me your long goodnight speech. I get used to it each night of my life.
It's been 11 months since I took you back. That's long enough to whoever may think that I am totally fine. That I am finally moving forward from that painful past.
Remember how many times I told you how scared I am to love you again?
I lost count and I'm sure that's too many to mention.
This is me taking risk again. This is me telling myself that it's worth the fight. I am not fighting anyone for you to choose me. I am not fighting for your love. This is the fight you could never touch. Because this is the battle I would never win against my heart.
Eleven months of battling these deep sorrow and shallow hope of forgetting what it has to forget. Was it really long enough to forget?
No. My heart doesn't forget every pieces of pain. And it makes me wary. I am still so scared.
What is the scariest thing in the world? That's LOVE. Atleast for me.
Everytime you send me your sweet long messages, I paused to fathom its sincerity. It's like looking for an invisible line. Your words. Your sweet words are sometimes the hardest to read. Because it always bring me back to the memories when we were too in love. You're becoming your old self but ten times sweeter. Isn't it scary?
You're turning yourself a lot more sweeter and I am becoming too duller. You have this life mission to make me feel loved each day by saying how much you love me. How much you miss me. I can feel your sadness everytime I don't say it back.
Am I a bad person for making you feel that way?
