For Annie

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"Shut up!" he shouted at me when I tried to talk to him. "What do you know? You can't even give me a child!"

His words were sharp. Natigilan ako at parang tangang nakatingin lang sa kanya. I was just trying to help him because he's been luring himself in alcohol. I wanted him to confide to me, to tell me what I can do for him to stop him from jeopardizing himself.

Nanginig ang labi ko. "What can I do?" I asked him. He stared at me; rage evident in his eyes. Nanlambot ang tuhod ko.

"Please, don't hate me, Adam..." mahina kong wika. Nagsimulang tumulo ang mga luha sa mata ko.

"I only asked for one thing," he said and reiterated, "One thing, Annie..."

I wiped the tears away from my face, but it was no use, it continued falling one after another.

"And yet, you cannot give it to me," Adam continued.

I can no longer recognize the man I married. He stared at me like I am the most useless person on earth. The man I married will never make me feel worthless. The man I married will never make me feel like trash. Pero sino ba ang niloloko ko? He. Is. Adam. For that, I cried harder.

Adam was a good husband, before... Before he knew that I can't bear him a child. He had always dreamed of a happy family and he had always told me that we'll be good parents one day. We built a dream together, but it got crashed when we learned that I am a barren. Slowly, he drifted away. He drowned himself in alcohol, he comes home late as if he never wanted to see me, and he gets annoyed whenever I would try to talk to him. His love was gone, it was replaced by loathing.

"Adam, I love you..." I said to remind him. I silently hoped that he would be reminded that even though I'm incapable of giving him what he wants, I am capable of loving him. I secretly hoped that he would be reminded of how he loved me.

He threw whatever his hands touched, then stormed away.

This made me question myself: Am I unworthy just because I am incapable of giving birth? Ito lang ba talaga ang halaga ng bawat babae? What if we can't produce a child, will we lose our value? Will we lose our purpose?

That night, Adam came home late yet again. I was already fast asleep when I felt him moving beside me. Agad akong nanigas. Natatakot ako dahil baka sigawan niya ulit ako. Natatakot akong magalit na naman siya sa akin. Ayoko nang dagdagan ang galit niya sa akin.

Dahan-dahan akong tumayo. We're no longer the persons who were united in marriage. Right now, we're just two people sharing the same house. Surely, there's no need for us to share the same bed.

"Where are you going?" sabi ni Adam. Natigilan ako.

Ilang beses akong huminga nang malalim bago siya sinagot. "Sa guest room," I whispered.

He rose from our bed. I stepped back. I just didn't want to anger him anymore.

"Just stay here," he said in a low voice.

Natigilan ako. Nang lumipas na ang ilang segundo at nakita niyang hindi pa rin ako gumagalaw, nagsalita siyang muli. "Come here."

I bit my lower lip. I slowly went to our bed. I'm just so scared that he would shout at me again and tell me how useless I am for not being able to bear a child.

"Let's just sleep," nanghihinang sabi ni Adam. I laid in my part of the bed. He didn't say anything anymore. I just felt him moving closer to me. Like a dumb that I am, I felt a frail light of hope arising in my heart. Maybe... Just maybe, we could still fix it.