a letter to my best friend.

hi

i have doubts about our friendship mj. i love you more than i could describe, although it seems far easier for me to put it into words than it is for you. i've written paragraphs upon paragraphs for you since the beginning of our friendship, yet i've never even gotten anything close in return. of course, this isn't something that should be focused on as you are still such a great friend, but i just feel like i'm always trying to do little things for you and it's not the same on your end. i ordered paint chips for you to send to you. i'm sending you my favorite hoodie. i went digging in my room because i remembered i had something you said you wanted. i always say you're the best friend i've ever had, which is true since material things shouldn't matter, but, i catch myself thinking about them more than i should. i miss you so much right now. like too much. but i can't ever stop thinking about these things and i don't know how else to get it out. i doubt you'll ever see this, as it probably won't be published, but hey i had to vent somewhere. can't vent to you about it so... yeah. i know this is all over the place and completely out of the blue but i can't help it. you truly are my best friend, but sometimes things seem off. maybe you're just that way, which is fine. it's something i'd have to deal with in order to be friends with my favorite person. but part of me knows that's not true. part of me knows you focus on little things with other people, but not me. correct me if i'm wrong, but you've told me multiple times that you always did little things for he who shall not be named. maybe you are doing little things. maybe i didn't notice just like him. but from my perspective, i don't see it. and i'm sorry for that. i'm not mad, i'm just very confused. i know i'm needy and i'm not the easiest to deal with, but... i don't know. if you see this, hi. i love you. i'm sorry. i had to communicate. you always yell at me when i keep things bottled up so. anyways, i don't want this to change anything between us. my love for you is still very much there, and please don't ever think that it's not. i miss you so fucking much. please don't cry while reading this if you are, and call me if you end up reading it so we can talk. i don't want this to ruin our friendship. i guess what i'm trying to say is that this doesn't change anything for me. like i said, i'm not mad. i have said it once before that when actions don't match words i get confused and concerned about it. it is what it is, and i don't really care but i just wanted to communicate with you. i love you babes, like too much, and i miss you so much right now. maybe that's why i'm writing this, but regardless of why it came to my mind, it did. so here it is. i'm so scared now that i've told you i'm thinking about something. like beyond scared. i never want to communicate with you because i don't want to upset you or hurt you or ruin our friendship. you are my favorite person to talk to. i could go on and on about every little detail, and i have before, but this is already over 600 words, so i'm going to try to end this cleanly. the entire point of this is simply to tell you what's on my mind. not to make you feel bad or to try to change you. i never ever want to change anything about you. after all, according to d, we are an old married couple so... yeah. that's my ramble about all of that that basically went nowhere. i was trying to say that it seems like you don't notice little things, but it kinda got lost and isn't all that true,,, it's only true to an extent. i love you ∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞ 

forever and always,

megan/baby/babes/bebe/gross kook/boy before hitting puberty/began