PENUMBRA (how the flowers grow)

29. Lungs

Sabina is an expert on how things can go irrevocably, devastatingly not to plan. She considers herself well versed in how things can change in an instant, but she is not a prophet. If she was, she would never have stepped foot in Whitegate.

She wishes she hadn't. She wishes she didn't leave Shasan in the first place. That way, her friends wouldn't be in danger and it wouldn't be her fault. They keep telling her it's not her fault and it's not that she thinks they're liars, but she doesn't think they get it the way she does.

They're all so nice to her and she doesn't understand why. She's a shit person. She's done horrible things for no reason and she's useless. She can barely hold a conversation if she can talk in the first place and all she's good for is fighting. Even her fighting skills have been getting worse and soon she'll have nothing to offer.

I should go with Vess, she thinks as she lays awake late at night, buried underneath a pile of blankets.

She doesn't want to go, but she doesn't think she has much of a choice. It was risky to leave in the first place and she's always known it would bite her in the ass. This new life is... good, but she knows she doesn't deserve it and she knows it would be less trouble for everyone involved if she went without struggle.

"Sabina," Vetsalla calls softly.

Sabina starts and glances in the direction of the voice. The room is pitch black save for the soft light of the moon and the only things she has a good grasp on are Vetsalla's eyes, glowing dimly. She didn't hear her come over or even feel her sit down on the bed.

I let my guard down, Sabina thinks bitterly. That's how Vess got me. Stupid.

Sabina sits up and tugs the covers around her, careful not to wake Tuluvey beside her or Jitho curled up on the end of the bed looking like a cat with her tail wrapped around her.

Vetsalla scoots up against the headboard, so they're sitting side by side. Sabina can feel the pressure of Vetsalla's thigh against her own, thankful for the layers of blankets between them. The thought of anyone touching her right now is repulsive.

"I can't help but feel it," Vetsalla says. "I can block out thoughts easily, but it's always harder to get rid of the emotions when someone is feeling something so strongly. It is a hard thing to ignore- someone's suffering. I couldn't fall asleep knowing you're so upset."

Sabina opens her mouth to apologize and moves her lips to form the words. No sound comes out and she sinks into the blankets, ashamed. It's been days and yet she can't even open her mouth to offer thanks or apologies.

Sorry, Sabina thinks loudly at Vetsalla.

Vetsalla jumps. "You don't have to say sorry to me," she says after a moment. "You're part of my family now, for as long as the world allows."

Ag'druch leaps up onto the bed and climbs over their laps to lay draped across them both. Sabina scratches between her heads, smiling slightly when a low rumble starts up in her chest. Ag'druch's eyes glow in the dark like Vetsalla's, only in a soft red. She blinks up at Sabina and mews.

"You can always talk to me," Vetsalla assures, her voice like the warmth from a fireplace on a snowy night. "When it feels like you can't get anything out, know that you can always direct your thoughts to me. I'll only ever hear what you send over."

Sabina's throat closes up and she just feels... sad. She feels sadness in the way that makes her bones ache, in the way that makes everything feel so far away, untouchable, abstract. She runs her fingers over the seam of the blanket and she wants to go to bed and sink into a dreamless sleep just to pass the time. Tears prick at her eyes and she fists her hands in the blankets in an attempt to ground herself.