Finding Solace

XXXI

I awoke to a hand over my mouth, pulling out of my sleeping bag. With the quiet laughter, I thought it as a joke, so I played along, stumbling in the darkness. The fire was out, just coals burning bright, still heated from the flames that were extinguished.

"What's going on?" I asked when they removed their hand, I got to answer. I could smell the alcohol and drugs on them as they held me close, keeping me from moving. I tried to yank my arms away but they held them tighter, the two boys stronger than me.
"Okay, this isn't funny anymore. Let me go." I pulled against them, struggling to get out of their hold.

"Oh Faylyn." A female voice called out to me. It was familiar, one of a friend that I had for years. "The fund only just beginning. She appeared out of the shadows, something reflective and shiny in her hand. She stalked closer before handing the object over to one of the boys and I went to cry out once I saw what it was. They were quick to cover my mouth again.

"Shhhhh." She shushed me and I continued to scream behind their hand, tugging desperately to get away. "You don't want to wake them, do you?" She hinted at our two friends that were most likely still asleep in their sleeping bags. She ran a finger down my face and I pulled my head back, her finger falling.
"Do it." She nodded at them. They shifted their hold on me. One now held my hands behind my back and covered my mouth while the other moved in front of me. I watched as the object in his hand as he corrected his hold on it, my breathing increasing from fear.
"Do it." She commanded louder, with more force but he made no move. "Do it!" She hissed and I watched as he slowly raised his hand before bringing the knife down towards my chest. I screamed.

I bolted upwards mid-scream, clutching my throat. My chest heaved up and down but I couldn't breath, becoming light headed. My heart rate spiked, pouring painfully against my tightened chest. I was dying but I knew I wasn't. I knew exactly what this was.

I felt distant from myself, like my mind had become detached from my body. I could still feel everything but I couldn't think. All I knew was that I was dying. I could hear muffled noises, like I was swimming underwater but I could make out what they were saying. I curled further into myself. I couldn't feel the tears. All I felt was the piercing beat of my heart and the pressure of my throat, choking.

Something reached out and touched my shoulder, making me reel back. I kicked and failed, trying to get away from the touch, from the hold. From the sudden movements, I slid of the bed, tumbling onto the floor. I continued to to distance myself from the touch, pushing myself until my back was pressed into the corner of the walls. There, I curled up, protecting myself from the intruder. My entire body shook from my overwhelming fear.

I was having a panic attack. I remembered what my therapist said. Recognizing you are having one was the first step of calming down. The second was to take deep breaths, to counter act the hyperventilation. Third was to focus on something while you closed your eyes, trying to get control of your body again.

I did as suck, closing my eyes, I focused on the muffled sound in the room. It was low and soft in volume, seemingly calling out to me non stop. My breath shuttered as I tried to gain control of it. It took awhile but it eventually evened out but I continued to force myself to take the long, forced breaths. My heart still hurt but it slowed as well. I began to just feel cold, numb, still shivering in my curled position against the hard wall.

"Faylyn?" It was still muffled but my hearing was beginning to come back as I settled in my body. "Faylyn, look at me. Can you hear me?" I couldn't look at him, rocking back and forth as I cried.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I whispered on repeat.

"Shhh. No, no." I could hear him getting closer and I pushed myself further into the wall. "It's not your fault. Look at me, Faylyn. It's okay, look at me." I reluctantly looked up.

"I'm sorry." I choked out again and he shushed me again. I knew I screamed. I could hear it as I woke up.

"It's okay, Faylyn. You're okay." He slid down to sit beside me, feet against the wall and his back to the bed.

"Did I wake anyone?" I turned my gaze from him, looking at the floor.

"No, you've only been asleep for about an hour. No one else is home. Dad is still at the clinic." He assured me, moving closer.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"Faylyn." He cut me off. "Really, it's okay. You're just scared." I hadn't had one that bad in months. I've had a few minor ones since I arrived but nothing even close to that.

I shook my head and hid it in my hands. I was so tired that I forgot to take my pill. Because of my neglect of thinking, I brought this upon myself. I asked for this.  

Shakily, I stood up and sat on the bed, moving across until I reached the other side. Opening the drawer, I pulled out the respective bottle. He had already seen them so why hide them now when I needed them most?

My hands still trembled and I was unable to open the bottle, to which he gently pried it from my hands. He opened it easily before handing it back. My throat still felt closed but I managed to swallow it with little trouble. I handed him back the bottle and he placed the cap back and gave it back. I knew he wanted to ask questions but he respected my privacy and refrained from asking. He deserved some sort of answer for my actions tonight.

"I'm very anxious." I finally admitted to him, toying with the bottle, listening as the remaining pills clacked around. "I don't sleep well."

"You didn't have to tell me, but thank you for trusting me." Sick of the noise, I put the bottle back and we sat for a few minutes, him still on the floor and I on the bed.

"I don't want to go back to sleep." I whispered into the dark room. I heard him get up from the floor before slowly sitting on the bed. He nudged closer, giving me time to say no, but I didn't. I wanted to be comforted. I spend years dealing with these on my own and I just wanted a shoulder to lean on, even for a little bit.

He wrapped an arm around me and I leaned into him, placing my face in his neck. He brought his other arm up to hold me closer as I began to cry. As he embraced me for a second time, I brought my hands up and wrapped them behind his neck as we sat in a side hug. He rubbed my arm up and down, slowly swaying us, cooing soothing things in my ear.

"It's okay, Faylyn. You're okay." He pulled me closer. "You're not alone. I'm here." He held my head closer to his neck, my tears landing on his skin. "I'm here."