Diary of à dysfunctional mess

23/5/20

16:19

Woke up to my 9am alarm, I meant to turn it off but I forgot. I had Been up previously that night to about 3 in the morning. I redownloaded Instagram and WhatsApp, mostly to see if anyone missed me.

That was not the case. All I got was no messages and all my contacts deleted but that's fine. Well it's not, but I can't be bothered by it. My dad would say that it's irrational and my mum would say it doesn't matter.

I hope from the first time of you reading this: that you understand that I tend to overshare. Whether I regret it and I'm just gonna delete this diary in a few months or keep it up, just for 'funsies'. I know that it's an unconscious decision of me attention seeking.

I tend to feel bad for my friends. Mostly for being friends with me because I'm so utterly boring. I didn't have a friend that stuck with me in primary school so It feels wierd having an opportunity to not have to re-evaluate my personalty just so someone likes me.

There are a lot of times where I think I'd be better if I wasn't the gender I am now but I don't think it's a good idea. I'm mostly scared of the discrimination if get. I think my mum is disappointed in me, for having a girlfriend. She treats it like its a phase I'm going through.

My relationship with my mums boyfriend is improving! But with saying that, I've probably jinxed it. So much for curses, am I right ?

[update:5/6/20: I did in fact jinx it, he's the worst]

I like apple juice. even though it gives me stomach aches I don't care. If I could drink only one beverage for the rest of my life; it would be apple juice. I'm 93% sure of that.

The goal for this diary is for it to have around 900 words. And it's not just gonna be documenting my days. It probably going to be thoughts and inner turmoil.

It's quite funny how I think all my friends hate me, I know that they don't but I think they do. I think it's because of the fact that they never talk to me one on one. I've talked to one of them and they say I have to initiate conversation. My personality is super bland and I mostly just ramble. Nobody wants to hear it.

I try to get into books but I can't really maintain my focus all that much. Im currently reading (trying to at least) the hobbit. It's a great book, with a really good storyline from the look of it but I get really bored.

Manga is fun to read! I especially enjoy one piece. My teacher always catches me reading it. They say that I need to read proper books. I read one but I definitely wouldn't be able to remember the plot. If I had to do a book review, I'd probably be flicking back to try and find bits and bobs to just piece together to make my English teacher happy.

I have this big urge to just restart my life. Have one best friend that I could count on and not be scared if they didn't like me. I want to be super aesthetic and have cool outfits. I want to just live but also not.

I've decided that when I go to college, I'm not gonna go to where my friends are going. I won't ghost them. I just won't keep in contact with them. Is that rude? Am I allowed to say that?

I wouldn't classify myself a good person but I haven't murdered anyone or committed arson.

I feel like if you have one friend you don't need to worry about much, not worry about how much they like you or shit like that.

Let's play a game. I have two years until I get to go to college. Guess how old I am?

:)

If no one has told you this yet.

Good morning, I hope you have a good day

I feel like nobody gets told Good morning anymore. If I had one best friend, I would wish them a good morning everyday if I could. Not because I had a crush on them or I was trying to get there attention. But because i want them to know that they can trust me.

I know many people don't actually know if someone likes them. I feel like society had raised people to think that wanting clarification is bad and that you should know and think for yourself.

But what happens when youre not able to think for yourself and youre clinging on to loose threads that people said they actually liked you about 4 months ago.

I love my girlfriend, she's really nice to me. There is a feeling at the back of my head that tells me she just with me because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I guess it feels that way because I always initiate conversations and not her.

It would be nice for her to start a conversation.

But that's wishful thinking. It's funny how I want to put labels on myself to justify what
I think about myself when I honestly not really sure. All I know is that I hate myself. Well not hate but I know I'm not filled with self love.

I've reaches 900 words. When I've finshed this sentence I'll be at 916 words.

To end this on a neutral note (not positive or negative) I'll ask you a question, something to ponder about...

How long has it been since someone said I love you to you, directly?

If its been just now or a few months.

I love you and stay strong, there's a lot of possibilities to come :)

17:00 23/5/20