she wept silently all night

//tyrnone corridor//

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
when i see that certain hue
clinging to somebody's scalp.

you told me you
"loved me",
but you never told me
that you cared.

perhaps some believe
in the word "love"
"care" is a part of the package;
it's not.

remember on that cold
day in january,
the seventh to be exact,
our time in the dugout?

how the heavy flakes of ice
clung to my shaking pale skin
from the temperature?

the snow melted on your hoodie
as the flakes that fell upon myself
melted on my bare body.

i knew i should've said no,
i already told you i didn't honestly
want to because of my past;
but we both know i wanted it.

that's why i skipped practice;
right?

you sat me on your lap
blue jeans swallowed your thighs
as you listened to sentences erupt from my throat about my little brother.

you caved your hand into my inner thigh,
i knew what you were doing.
i knew what you wanted.

for some reason
when i describe this story,
people think this was rape.

it wasn't.
i promise you.
i swear to you.

in the moment,
i was happy that i had
finally done this with you,
i really believed we were going to be together for a long, long time;
lies.

i knew something was different about you
as soon as you had to leave.

the look in your eyes,
the tone in your voice,
the way your lips moved.

did i think about it?
no.
i only thought about what i had just taken part in.

not only to realize the next day
how you changed.
you weren't my boyfriend who i had just spent an hour and a half with yesterday creating memories we would never forget;
something magical...

right?

was it magical to you
as much as it was for myself?

i have reason to believe
you do not think about me anymore.
my name has not touched the edge of your brain for months.

while yours is sitting on the tip on my tongue
ready to be yelled into the blistering unknown
that i only know of.