Lockdown

Short story

It's been months since the lockdown was implemented- the death toll continues to rise. Much like the sun each and every day I'm hidden away from its light, locked inside my small apartment. I live alone which is nice... Most of the time. The acoustic rooms remain silent as the only sound audible is the rise and fall of my steady yet panicked breaths and the rioting inside my mind which I struggle to keep locked up. That's what I am; locked up.

"No.No.No.No.No." I repeat out loud as a sort of mantra. "I am not locked up. I'm protecting millions of people by staying inside."

I am protecting myself. I try to keep this in mind as the day drags on and I'm left relishing on distant memories of my family. My boyfriend. My friends. My social life. Fuck, even my job!

My job... I have several manuscripts sitting on the coffee table just screaming to be read yet I can't. As the days fly by my motivation decreased as does my mental health. I'm not okay- I am alone.

No, you're not alone! My subconscious remarks. It's like a kick in the stomach, that even the small pieces of my brain fight against each other yet I'm struggling to carry on this tedious battle.

Before now, I would always be awake and made up by 7 am. The cold streets of London would welcome me as the thick polluted air would plague my already struggling lungs. The wind would blow bitter against my skin, no matter the season. I'd passively observe thousands of people who comb the streets in passing, not really taking a second to stop and take it all in.

I'd fetch a round of coffees; decaf, latte, Americano, black. The isolated coffee shop on the corner of the street was dark yet welcoming and expected me every morning- I wonder if they're okay. It was run by an elderly lady and her husband who loved to watch his wife at work. They seemed so in love, even after years of marriage. It was something one could only wish of finding, a great love not a perfect love. A love that has its flaws but was full of passion and devotion.

After my morning coffee run, I'd sweep into the busy office passing several co-workers on my way. The board room was filling as my boss stood tall at the front. I'd place the coffees down, everyone finding their desired drink before we all sunk into our chairs, notebooks out and pens at the ready to welcome new authors and new ideas every single day.

The job was exhilarating and I have no idea why I'm now struggling.

Maybe you're just lazy. That dreaded voice whispers sending chills down my spine. No one else if having issues. It coaxes so loud all I can do is scream to stop the unbearable taunting of my own thoughts.

"Ahhhhhh." I stop just as my throat begins to burn from the horrific sound.

Every Thursday night people applaud from their windows, front doors, or balconies. Cheering as one for the courageous NHS workers who continue to do the nation proud against our battle again Covid-19. Except, that isn't the only battle we're facing... The prime minister gives his speech on the news recently yet not much is changing. Just a load of ifs and buts and confusing messages which people are struggling to abide by.

I sit with a mug of hot chocolate, coated with whipped cream and several small marshmallows, by the minuscule window in the living room. The apartment complex isn't overcrowded and still leaves everyone with an exquisite view of the park just across the street. Of course, the noisy roads block some of the view as the cars continue to pile up; bumper to bumper.

The sun sets eerily as the pastel colours fill the sky each one melting into one another in a picturesque sight. The soft hues of blues being a stark contrast to the light pinks which are accompanied by the modest orange. I've never taken the time to watch the sun set before, usually, I am too busy. No. I simply don't make the time.

The leaves on the brisk trees are a vibrant green now as summer soon approaches. A summer we won't be able to enjoy. Some scattered leaves fly free through the air as the wind picks them up, setting them on a new journey. They're free. Unlike me.

"Stop thinking like that." I curse at myself, shutting my eyes right out of frustration. An escape from the real world.

I stand up, striding away from the small side window and into the kitchen. Dinner will be bland again as we struggle to get basic essentials. The first few weeks of quarantine were mad as ignorant people piled their trolleys high with unnecessary stocks of food and toiletries, leaving little to none for the rest of us.

Settling on lasagne, I preheat the oven prepping the meal fast before watching it bake, slowly turning a shade of golden brown. The smell is enough to make my mouth water in anticipation as my stomach growls a clear indication of my hunger.

A timid buzzing sounds from the sofa catching my attention, peeling my eyes away from the delectable dish. I pick up my phone seeing Christian's name displayed on the small screen. I'm reckless as I answer trying to stifle my sobs with the back of my hand as his voice calls to me through the speaker.

"Hannah?" his voice sounds velvety but with laced through it now. I remember the last day I was able to see him and I cried for hours after we departed. He went away on business at a different enterprise when the lockdown condemned and hasn't been able to come home since. It's been exactly 4 months today since he last held me in his arms, his fingers combing through my long, dark, tangled hair while he whispers sweet nothings to try and relax me. Fuck, I miss him.

"Hi." I try to sound happy but my voice betrays me, sounding nothing short of a mangled cry as the tears which once coated my eyelashes, fall to my flushed cheeks. The warm tears juxtapose the natural cold skin I was cursed with and send an obvious chill throughout my body causing a pattern of goosebumps to appear.

"Hannah. It's going to be okay; this isn't forever." a thought to remember during all of this. He sounds confident in what he's saying and I know I should be too. There's something reassuring in the way his tone softens when he whispers my name, almost in a sing-song way which has me falling over and over and over again.

I suck in a deep breath, trying to steady my chaotic thoughts. Just focus on his words. This isn't forever. A temporary situation shouldn't have a permanent solution, right?

"I know. I just miss you so, so much." I give him a sad laugh trying to remember the hollow dimple which would grace his handsome fave when he dashed me his beautiful smile.

"I miss you too." He laughs along with me, the sound becoming melodious as they mix together to create something magical. "How are the manuscripts coming along?" As if watching his eyebrows raise, I reach my hand out in front of me, imagining my fingertips gently running along the dip between them.

"I still haven't..." I begin, hearing him sigh through the mobile.

"You've got this Han, remember that."

We say our few goodbyes before I return to the kitchen, dishing up the enormous plate in which I plan on devouring. Entering the living room, I sit on the sofa with the steaming plate on my lap. I watch as the stack of manuscripts eyes me.

You've got this Han. I have got this! Suddenly, the pile doesn't look so daunting as I run my fingers over the first one finally turning its pages and allowing myself to be consumed by every word on the page.

This isn't forever.