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Just Friends

The freezing air whipped at my cheeks. It felt like a paper cut with alcohol being rubbed into it. I thought of my boyfriend Micah. He's my best friend and I love him as a friend. It's always been like that: just friends. At least for me it is. For him, I'm apparently the love of his life. He keeps saying that he loves me to death and I guess I just have to reciprocate that. I'm not sure how he can be so in love with someone when we're both seventeen years old. I don't love him romantically: he's my best friend and I love him for what he is. My friend. I of course have other friends, Grey and Loren, but Micah has always been my best friend since 6th grade. We were now in the December of our senior year. On Halloween Micah, Grey, Loren, and I were all walking around downtown and that's when Micah professed his "love" for me. All my friends just looked at me expectantly and I begrudgingly accepted Micah's date. Every time I said I loved him it was faked.

I walked carefully over to my mailbox across the road from my house. I lived in a simple middle middle class neighborhood in Clarendon Hills outside of Chicago: 2 story houses, 2 car garages, neatly mowed lawns, flower beds, little window shutters that match the front door, and neatly hung American flags. My shoes crunched in the snow as I walked. It was a cold Sunday in December. I remembered about an English paper I needed to finish writing by Tuesday as I grabbed the letters from the box and walked back to the house. The heat of the house wrapped around me as I walked in. I took off my shoes and put them on the shoe mat by the door. My dog Arrow came ambling over to me. She was an Australian Shepherd that thought she was a lap dog. I pat her on the head and put the mail on the kitchen counter top where my mom would see it. She was always the one to deal with bills and money in the house. Dad always cooked and cleaned and did lawn work. He had a garden that he loved with all his heart. As a kid I always helped him and I suddenly felt the urge to go tend to it, but I ignored it and walked up the stairs to my room. 

I didn't realize I fell asleep. I woke up and it was 7:00 PM and my mom was shaking my shoulder to wake up for dinner. "It's breaded chicken and green beans tonight Holly! Come eat!" she half shouted as she turned on my room light. I rubbed my eyes as I said, "Turn off the lights mom." She shut them off and called "Come downstairs," as she walked down the stairs. I turned on my LED lights and set them to blue. I put on yellow fuzzy socks and a volleyball camp hoodie. I shut off the LED's as I walked downstairs and sat down to eat my favorite meal. 

The alarm was blaring. I mumbled something about coffee before I shut it off. It was 6:00 AM. I stumbled out of bed and got into the shower. As the hot water rushed over my body, I wondered about what lies I would have to tell to Micah today. My mind raced as I told myself to remember to contort my face just the right way so that he might just believe me. Loren knew I didn't have any feelings whatsoever for Micah, but Grey was fooled. Loren was my best friend, only second to Micah. I thought of her: golden hair that fell in sheets to her shoulder blades, a pointed nose, a somewhat pointed chin that was rounded a little bit, gunmetal blue eyes, pale freckled skin, and white garamond style glasses. She was beautiful especially with her kind eyes and good humor. Loren always knew I didn't like Micah. I confessed I never liked him like that to her the day after he asked me out. She understood and promised to keep it a secret. I naturally trusted her: she was my best friend. I had to always keep secrets from Grey because he would always go and blab to other people. We always told him that he needed to stop doing that and if he kept continuing, he would get one of us in big trouble soon. But he still didn't listen. Everybody in our greater friend group always knew to never tell Grey secrets. 

I dressed quickly in a pair of ripped jeans, a burgundy and grey striped shirt, black and white checkered vans, and a black Nike sweater. It was a simple outfit but it looked good on me. I gave Arrow a hug and put her breakfast in her dog dish downstairs. After that, I grabbed my keys and backpack and walked out to my car, locking the front door behind me. I checked my apple watch: it was 7:15. Right on time. My car was a white 2013 Ford Fiesta. It wasn't much, but it worked pretty well and had enough room for my friends. My parents paid for half of it because I insisted on paying for at least some of it. I always felt bad when I made other people do things for me. I put the keys in the ignition and drove off to school. As I drove, I thought of the lies I would tell Micah. I could already hear him saying "I love you princess," and I felt grossed out by it. I reminded myself that our 3 month anniversary was soon. I struggled with the thought that i would have to get him a present or something. What do you get a boyfriend you don't even like? Feeling so confused and my head reeling, I walked into school and locked my car. "Look at my perfect girl! I love you my queen," Micah professed as I walked over to him in the student lounge. He pulled me into him on the old brown corduroy couch he was sitting on so I was sitting next to him, our hips touching. "I love you too," I lied, contorting my face to look happy and comforted and relaxed all at the same time.

Micah tasted like chocolate pop-tarts and coffee. He always gave me a kiss before we went off to our own cars to drive home. I guess it was OK. I was experienced in giving him fake kisses, so I think he believed me. I slugged my feet through the wet slush to my car and got in. I turned on the heat and the Bluetooth radio. As Amour Plastique played from my Spotify, I thought if I would ever tell Micah I don't like him. The question swirled in my head like fog in the air. It was all I could think about. If I told him I don't like him would he be mad? Sad? Disappointed? It was too far into the relationship. It would be 3 months this next Tuesday. It was too long into the damn thing to say I never wanted it. He would tell me I had cheated him and lied to him and he would leave my side as my best friend. It was all too much for me so I shut off the music and called Loren. "Hi little frick," said a familiar soft voice. I took a deep breath before continuing, "I need to tell him but I can't."

"Your options are limited here," she said. "Option one is tell him and risk losing him as your best friend forever and never getting his full trust back again. This one will however get you out of this shitty relationship you don't want. Option two is just finding some other way to break up with him. This could still really hurt him if you something nasty though."

"I just don't know what to do anymore," I pleaded, my voice strained.

"Look hotcakes, you gotta say it to his face straight up and honest or get creative. It won't be easy I'll tell you that. It's gonna work your friendship to the absolute max and it might break. Either way you might just lose him so be prepared for that. It's gonna hurt sweetie and it won't be good but you gotta push it until it's done and over with."

Her words comforted me, but I was still absolutely terrified of losing Micah. He was my best friend for 6 years and I can't imagine life without him. "I'm just so scared Loren. I don't know what to do and I can't lose him," I said, ignoring the breaks in my voice.

"He's being toxic to you Holly. You need to talk to him as soon as you can and fix the problem. It might be too much strain on the relationship and you might have to get rid of it as much as I absolutely hate to say it. It's something that has to be done. He knew you didn't like him. He could tell. He talked to me about the entire thing and I was the idiot that told him to go and do it. It was my fault. But it still happened and you can't change it."

I took a deep breath. I was home. I pulled into the driveway and locked the car. As I walked inside I said, "I need him. He's my best friend second to you. I need the two of you. He needs me too I know it."

"I know that you two need each other but you might just not be good to each other. You're constantly lying to him and he's being so romantic and lovey-dovey to someone he thinks likes him back. Micah always talks you into things you don't want to do."

"I'm just nervous. I think I'm just gonna let him down gently. It's the least I can do," I said as I flopped onto my bed with my white shorthair cat named Elisabeth. "I need to do it soon. Maybe next week."

"Good idea. I gotta go or my dad's gonna be up my ass about data," she sighed.

"Ok bye Loren," I said as i hung up. I took a deep breath and kicked off my shoes so I could sleep.

The wind was rushing against my body. I had woken up after an unrestful nap and decided to go on a bike ride. Biking always calmed me. My thighs burned as I pedaled faster and faster into the night. It was a cool and humid night with a bit of fog. These were always my favorite weather conditions. It was around 6 PM but it was December so it was already dark. There wasn't much snow on the ground so I got my bike out of the garage and left with a note on the kitchen table as to where I've been. I pedaled as hard as I could down to the end of my street and made a sharp left turn deeper into the neighborhood. The neighborhood was a safe place for people. You always saw kids playing in each others' yards when you went to go get the mail. I liked living here because of the long roads that went deep into the heart of the neighborhood. I pedaled along the road as my mind went crazy from the phone call with Loren. What if I actually did like Micah but i just hadn't realized it yet? Did I even want to be his friend? I was so confused and lost in myself and my thoughts. I was scared of Micah: he had so much power over me and I was just a helpless little bunny who had no choice but to go with him. I needed to talk to Loren but I couldn't find the words in my head to explain what I was feeling in my head so I just decided against it.