Frozen Assets

125 4 4

by Rex-Pensive

by Rex-Pensive

"I'm fuc*king DONE being a WAGE SLAVE" screamed Olaf, hurling and SLAMMING his copy of 'Investment Banking for Dummies' at Elsa's cranium.
"Jesas Olaf WHAT'S the matter with you!? You don't even NEED a wage you snowcone freeloading piece of bitch!" shrieked and remarked Elsa, agitated from the book assault, at little Olaf.

"Yeah that's EXECTLY how this big government matriarchy is tryn' to keep a Olaf down.... have me dependant on the FREE HANDOUT welfare teat of these little Scandinavian ice monarchy. No more shackles!" Olaf announced with righteous fury, "I am a SNOWvereign citizen now. I will create me OWN fortune like a free Capitalist as the Founding Feathers intended!"

Smugly folded Elsa, Marxist tyrant, here arms. "Like as if YOU could ever be financally independent... you can't even READ, refrigerated analphabet that you are," hurt Elsa the feelings of small poor Olaf.

"Just you wait..." pledged 'man of snow' Olaf "....one day you'll apolegize to me and beg me to rule this third world shitpit Elsa"

28 DAYS LATER
the U S A
New York
(snow)Manhattan
WALL STREET

"SELL those shares right now you dick less pudding humper, they are in FREE FALL," barks Olaf, owner of a small startup investment firm. "SELL, SELL SELL!!!" the little smowman loosens his business suit necktie. Peharps Elsa was right..... Olaf is a terrible financer.
All of the shares just became worthless. How a nightmare.
"Mr. Olaf, sir?" asks one underpaid employee.
"Not NOW... I just got fenancially RUINED" cries poor Olaf. And little hail drops plonk on the floor.
"But sir.... at the last milisecond the share price skyrocketed up 28000%! You made a fortune!!"
"Hooray!" celebrates Olaf. "I am a GOOD businesssnowman!"

another 28 days later

Now we're in a glass skyscraper boardroom. A dozen executive CEOs are looking at the head of the $110,000 table where OLAF is speaking.
"Alright here's the dealio," puffs 'heavy hiter" Olaf with a $1900 cigar in his mouth, "OlafCorp is doing a HOSTILE TAKEOVER of your business- take it or leave it."
"We will leave it then" says the CEO of coffee drink shop company Star BUcks.
"NOT EVEN an option," shoots down Olaf this low energy lightweight, "you will TAKE IT."

Now OlafCorp has acquired StarBucks! Hooray!

"Don't even like that nasty as roasted bean juice," Olaf rubs salt in the wounds. "Star Bucks will stop selling coffee effective now! Instead it will be a talent agency for famous male deer!"

AGAIN 28 days later

Olaf's cruisin' sky high in his private owned Gulf Stream jet.... more like gOLAF Stream!
"So you see king Salman al Saud, your best investment for your oil fields is to lease them to OlafCorp," sweet talks the little snowmagnate to the king of Saudi Arabia. "More private equity fund profits! Long term revenue expansion! Win win!"
"You speak truth, tiny man of coldness," agrees king Sally, "we will enter a partnership with OlafCorp."

OlafCorp just became the monopoly holder on the world's crude oil market! Hooray!
Energy dominance! Six hundred trillion dollar market cap! Smart Olaf!

28 days later

Business tycoon Olaf (net worth $8.3 quintillion) relaxes in Olaf Tower in Olafinland.
Now his telephone receives a text messege:

Olaf you were right! You are SO GOOD with money and now me my kingdom is in such deep recession because I am not savvy with finances like you Olaf. I APLOGIZE so much and I BEG you please, will you rule my kingdom for me Olaf?
with deepest apologies, Elsa

"Oh wow," exclaims Olaf, "I wonder what this says because I can't even READ"

THE €ND