Toxic

Prologue

Four years ago

Dear diary,

Remember that guy i liked back in year seven?He was the cutest and the nicest boy i ever met. I've never had a boyfriend simply because i wanted him to be mine. It's stupid and i slowly began getting over it, my interest wavering, but he asked me out. I felt like the luckiest girl alive and i wasn't quiet about it. I know i know i'm 16 years old and acting like a child in a sweet shop but i can't help it. i'm just so happy. It was really weird, i never thought he liked me before, but i was wrong.

He even broke up with this girl Lila for me. I don't really know much about her, she's friends with this girl Ayanna who's probably my best friend.  i've never had many so i don't know much about friendship. People are always so mean to me, even friends but ayanna, she's nice to me, she cares about me. She even cares for me when i'm having an episode, she missed a school trip because of it.

That doesn't really matter now though, Ayanna already said she didn't want to go on the trip anyway. I hope i made it up to her with my 16th birthday. It's really hard to throw a party for me because of my birthday being the 31st of August. We threw the part a week later on the saturday. It was actually really high turn out. Half the year was there! That was where Kai asked me out, in front of everyone. It was so cute, just after an argument we had too. Like a movie.

I don't know whether i should tell him my name yet. It'd probably make me feel more comfortable but he'll spell it wrong. Eve is supposed to be spelt like that, not aoibh. How did they even come up with that? i swear my parents hate me. Me and ayanna are going shopping with my left over birthday money later this week. Here's to year 12, hopefully a better class.

Three years ago

Dear diary,

I guess it's stupid i keep this diary, i'll stop someday but Alice says i can't yet. If you don't remember who alice is, she's the the person who has the unpleasant job of making sure i'm taking my medication and i'm ok. It's pretty stupid if you ask me, all of these precautions because of a few scars, a couple missed meals and some unpleasant thoughts. Nobody sees it that way though.

The last time i did anything like that was 6 months ago, i keep doing really well and then i just break and go downhill again, it's not the best thing ever but at least i'm getting there. Everyone used to be rude to me if they found out.

Me and Kai are still together, i'm pretty surprised about that. It's been almost a whole year since we got together and honestly, everything's turned upside down. I made a new friend a few weeks ago. Lila, remember her? She's Kai's ex. She was always pretty horrible to me but turns out, she's been pretty upset herself. She has autism and suffers with depression due to it.

She thinks i should go to university because i have super high grades, i've got another year to decide but Kai says i shouldn't, he says i should just stay in town with him because he'll miss me. It's so sweet he thinks of me like that, of course i don't want him upset so i probably won't go.

Sometimes He calls me while i'm with my friends, only 3-4 times in a couple hours. He also sends me a bunch of messages, he's just so kind. Me and him don't have many classes together but i make sure i have time for him, to message him.

Two years ago

Dear diary,

Kai said i should stop with the diary. He said it's stupid and immature but Alice still wants me too so i am, i've agreed to do it for another year because she thinks i'm getting better. She always checks my arms and legs because i had a relapse a few weeks ago but she never checks my torso. Kai says that i look unattractive when i do it so he doesn't know anymore either.

We actually moved in together, he's almost a year older than me so he already had his own apartment and then when he asked me to move in, how could i refuse? I mean technically i'm not 18 yet but i will be in about a week.

My parents don't think i should move in with him. They say he's controlling or something. I wish they could see how happy i am, i have a boyfriend who cares about me, messages me all day and he's even got into a couple fights for me.

When i left school, i was so popular as well. Because i was going out with Kai everyone wanted to be my friend, i was invited to so many parties. I never expected my life to be like this, i was always the girl at school who had only a couple friends at school and none of the guys liked me because they thought of me as a guy.

I can't wait for what the years have in store.

1 year ago

Dear diary,

This is my last ever entry. I've stopped seeing alice because she thinks i'm being unhealthy again. It's because i only eat one meal a day, Kai encourages it though, he says i've lost weight and that i look beautiful and that's all that matters.

Everyone has started to abandon me again though, my parents kicked me out of their lives a year go when i wanted to move in with Kai and stopped speaking to me, the rest of the family hate me for it and i've lost alice. I still have Ayanna and Lila though. Mostly ayanna, she's one of the nicest people ever.

Ayanna always lets me stay when Kai kicks me out, she thinks i should break up with kai but i know he only kicks me out so he can have some space and calm down and i think that's good because if he gets really angry he can hit me. Only if i deserve it though. I'm not abused or anything, he only does it rarely.

She still supports me and always tries to take my mind off it, ya know she's kind of famous now. She has like 1m followers on instagram, i'm so glad she still had time for me though. Last week she took me to see a movie. that was fun.

Signing out forever,

Itiá