the way he used to love me | changjin

where

i still can't believe he'd leave me like that, at the time that i didn't even need him, but what if i did? What if i so desperately needed him, and he just left like that, not even a good-bye. How selfish.

it was since sixth grade that i found myself looking his way constantly, his face wasn't carved by the gods like most cliche stories, he had flaws like everybody else, but he was beautiful in my eyes, his hair bounced when he walked, and shivered slightly in the wind, even at the slights breeze.

i really loved him, but now he's gone, and will never come back, and it's entirely my fault. I just want to see him again, his sly smile adorning his face, i really enjoyed being around him, and i think he liked being around me too. but i guess i'll never know.

i don't even remember the weather that day, it wasn't some bright day, nor was it pouring with rain, i just can't remember, i saw him the day before, and then he was gone, like a leaf in a hurricane; there for a moment and then vanished.

it's been a couple of years now, im now 19 and no word of him has floated around. but there again, i don't expect him to be back anytime soon.

the day he left was like any other day, we went to school, had classes, ate lunch, skipped; nothing out of the ordinary. then the next day, i was there standing by the trash bins, waiting for him to come by, but he never arrived, and it was like nobody ever knew him, nobody spoke of his disappearance, yet i could still see their sad faces upon the realization that he won't be coming back.

it's not like i was planning on asking him out that day, i'm really not that confident, and i strongly doubt he'd like me back, i mean who would? I'm not even saying that in a self-degrading manner, there's really nothing special about me, i come from a normal family, with a normal income, normal house and everything is so normal.

i told my parents about his disappearance, but they didn't do anything, claiming i 'never talked about him ever,' i couldn't believe it, he stole my heart, the light of my life, the one who i wanted to be with forever. my parents aren't even homophobic and they're completely supportive, so i didn't understand why i 'never brought it up'

yet here i am, in the present and the now, still wondering where he went, it'll always remain a mystery to me and the people around me, but i want to know where he went, even if i have to go through pain, suffering and self-discovery to learn of his whereabouts.

recently, i have been thinking more and more as to where he went, but i have yet to come to any conclusions, my mind has been to it's limits and back, seeking for the answer i've been so desperate to find.

my days currently compose of me staying in my room for the majority of the day, and the times where i have to go to school aren't any more special than the time spent in my room. at school, nobody looks at me with pity anymore, which i'm thankful for, but they all stopped with the looks a little too quickly. the constant thinking about why they stopped the pity train keeps me up at night more than i already am.

everyday is a struggle when it comes to getting stuff done, i can't really find much motivation to move or complete simple tasks, i just want to know where he went.

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hey! this story has been in my drafts since the dawn of time so i decided to actually publish it instead of letting it gather dust...

let me know what you think and if i should continue or not!

🧡🧡