Forever, John

The One Who Got Away

Forever, John

The familiar sound of gravel crunching against my tyres does little to soothe the unease I feel pulling into the driveway. Nothing has changed. Of course, it hasn't. Nothing in this damn town ever does.

My eyes sweep over the dilapidated paint, the browning plants, and the weathered skirting boards. It's quite amazing how many of us fit in such a tiny house; me, my brother, my parents, and my grandparents. I shared a room with my brother all through my teens. It was a nightmare.

The jostling of rocks and a loud, thumping bass pulls my attention. My brother flashes me a surly expression, looking like he would rather be anywhere but here. His eyes burn holes in my skin as he steps out and leans against his ute, arms folding across his chest.

I exhale and remove myself from my car.

"Who knew Cassie Coolendale would turn out to be such a city slicker," he scoffs, adjusting his hat which has been worn out in the sun too many times, eyeing me with a displeased expression.

"Hi Derek," I say after an awkward moment.

Considering he is my brother and we slept a metre apart for seventeen years, I have to say, I really don't know him very well.

Derek stayed here, taking over our father's convenience store. He's married, has three kids and a fourth on the way. He's been dating Clancy ever since we were in primary school. That's what happens in towns like this. You marry the only person you've ever dated, you have kids at eighteen and you never leave.

Well, except me. I was out of here as soon as I had a license and a few hundred dollars in my account.

I've been back twice since I left ten years ago. Once, it was for my mother's funeral. She died fast and unexpectedly.

The second was for John O'Dwyer, the boy who stole my heart. We dated all through school. The only thing that didn't work, was the fact that he wanted to stay here and I couldn't think of anything worse. I asked him to come with me. He didn't.

I came back for John, to show him the amazing world outside of this no-hope town. But I was too late. He was engaged to Mindy Mulherron, the girl I absolutely despised in school.

"Surprised you came back this early," Derek states, leaning on his dust-ridden ute. "Thought dad would have to be dead for you to come."

My jaw clenches.

"Only took severe dementia and a broken hip," Derek continues. "You've been gone so long, even without dementia, he ain't gonna recognise ya."

"You going to give me attitude the entire time or can we get on with it?" I snap at him, folding my arms across my chest.

He shakes his head at me, giving me another once-over as if to confirm he really doesn't recognise me at all.

"Let's go, then."

I hold my breath as I step inside. I feel too big for this place. Too grown. Everything, down to placement of photo frames and objects, is exactly the same as it was ten years ago. The crack in the wall from Derek ramming into it when he rode his skateboard inside, to the broken ceiling fan hanging on its last hinges.

Sounds of our feet slapping against the wooden floorboards fill my ears. The shriek of laughter as John chases me. Secret kisses stolen in my room. Every good memory I have of this place is about John.

"Like what he's done to the place," I say dryly.

Derek side-eyes me and chooses not to comment. We part ways immediately, both wanting to desperately escape the other. I detour to my bedroom. I close the door behind me and soak in my surroundings. I go to the wall, where photos of friends who I don't speak to anymore, smile back at me. I lightly trace my hand over a wide-smiling John. In the next photo, he's kissing my cheek.