Illusion

08 | Illusion

Time passed quickly, but now I know a lot could happen in every second. It was now March, and the finals hung above our heads like a noose but most of us no longer minded. Vacation was near and pretty soon we could empty our heads so the professors could have space to fill them up next term. This thought was somehow uplifting.

The sun rose in a different angle now, so that it no longer shone directly to my room. Instead, it gave the avenue a spectacular sunrise. Kay and I used to be in the patio every early morning, like we used to when vesper came, just to witness the horizon change hues and the dawn unfolds into sunrise. But that was a long time ago. I'm always alone now, even in a crowd.

My alarm woke me up at five thirty that morning. I went to the bathroom to wash my face and arranged my features. I knew it was chilly outside so I took a jacket and jogged in place for a bit then ran two steps at a time down the stairs.

I stopped when I saw a lone figure on a bench. Even in the dullness of the morning, I knew who it was already. To me, she looked pretty much the same; her hair still changed color depending on where you look at it; sometimes black, then blonde and brunette. She still had that amused and intent expression as she brooded over her phone. She was everything that I used to know, possessed with the grace, charm, and everything else, except my place in her heart.

Although she didn't look up and was walking as lightly as my jelly-like knees permitted me, she quickly scooted over. It wasn't the only bench in the place, I know, but I had a feeling this time.

"Pretty cold out here." I commented with gritted teeth.

She grunted and went on with her phone.

"How are you?" I asked. Dead air was threatening to settle on our midst as usual.

"I'm alright, obviously," she said, coldly. "I'm not in the hospital right now, am I?"

"Of course, hehe, sorry" I said reproachfully. "I didn't know you still love watching it."

"Nothing wrong with that, is there?"

"Nah," I replied then trained my way to the horizon as the heavens began to shift shades. "This place is so special to me. I missed the times we've spent here, you know. I guess this place will always remind me of you." I said with one breath.

Kay stopped for a moment. "Al, I have lots of things on my hands right now without your depression rubbing off on me, so please stop. You're freaking me out."

Silence settled for an eternity after that. I settled back on the bench while Kay proved her point by pressing the keys of her phone.

"You know, I have a lot of things to say to you." I said later.

"You always do," she said dismissively. Her eyes were still glued to her phone.

I chose to ignore the diatribe. After such a long time of keeping silent, and letting her take my words flippantly and dismissing me with biting words, I was fairly determined to have my say.

"I love you." I repeated the words that summed up my whole existence.

Kay gagged, "Oh please, a moment while I vomit."

I faced her and repeated myself.

"Is that all the crap that you can say?" She said finally, "do you even know what you're saying Aldrin?" She began calmly, for some reason she thought it was necessary to exude an air of patience like I was a sensitive toddler. "I have a boyfriend..."

"I know." I acknowledged, but my next words were drowned by the beeps of her stupid phone. I could ignore the disruption at another place and time, but this wasn't it, so I snatched her phone.

"Hey give that back!" She demanded.

I pocketed her phone and said I wanted to talk so she'd damn well listen. "I know that even after your little break ups..."

"We didn't..."

"I'm not asking you to reciprocate that love. It's a fairly stupid love anyway." I added. "I only want you to know how much you mean to me for the sake of honesty. All I ask is for you to consider me human and simply be honest with me."

"We didn't break up!" She insisted quite desperately.

I looked at her. "That's what I mean." And from then on she was quiet.

I stared at my hands then back to her. "You asked me a question once and said you were asking the wrong guy. I'd still give you the same reply if you ask me now. We might have similarities but not all guys are alike. My only mistake perhaps is being in love with you so hard, until you can't take it anymore. But you cannot blame me, really, when you were on the times that I needed someone and in doing so, you became a lot to me; a friend, a confidante and someone who readily laugh at my corny jokes and most of all somebody who cared. I miss that part of you. I always will, in fact, and if the world gets kind, I'm hoping she'd come back to me someday."

She was about to talk but I wasn't finished. "Yeah, I'm only this oddball with the handkerchief but I have feelings too. I've always been afraid that I'd fail you in a lot of things. I'm sorry that I've been a complete jerk lately, but you know I realized you were right; you have your own life and priorities now so it's actually a fatal mistake to make you a part of my life and dreams."

She wanted to say something, but she decided to stay quiet.

"For you to be happy with me could've been something I'd have been proud of all my life, but you're entering a world I can never find entrance to."

I felt spent after all I said but I felt I had at least unburdened my soul. I'd be okay given enough time, but at the moment I was not about to pretend everything was alright and keep all of it from my eyes.

She sat quietly with her head bowed for a long time. Finally she stirred. "Can I have my phone back now?" I gave it back to her. "I have to work." She said, then jogged up the path to her dormitory.

This time I made my decision and I'm sticking to it. I can't spend a lifetime loving someone who'll never be there. She was just an illusion and I've had enough.