Summary: Loving someone you can’t have is a painful thing. Sebastian realizes this. Kurtbastian.
~*.*~
Loving someone you can’t have is a painful thing.
Sebastian learns this the hard way.
He sits there in the quiet corner of the Lima Bean coffee shop, idly sipping his mocha. His fingers, never the type to stay still most of the time, drum almost in an anxious manner on the table. His green eyes - normally cool, normally collected- are darker than usual. He keeps them trained forward, never breaking his gaze (almost as if he is scared that whatever he is looking at might disappear)
(But it does not disappear, it simply goes away, leaving him unnoticed)
He watches as the boy seated a few feet away from him laughs at something funny, his unique-colored eyes twinkling, his pale cheeks flushed. He watches as the boy leans forward to grab someone’s hand, rubbing his thumb over the knuckle in an affectionate manner. He watches as he smiles as the boy’s friend looks at him with adoring eyes.
He watches.
And does not say a thing. (Even if he did, the words would not come out right like he intends them to.)
It is almost a routine. Almost a muscle memory for him. It is like a second nature for him to get up from his seat and saunter over to the pair, his lips curling into his usual smirk.
Eyes mischievous, smirk intact and a cocky pose. The things that he has without having to be told to do them. He watches the usual reactions he elicits from the pair. He watches as eyes narrow, bodies stiffen, expressions wary.
(though he watches one boy more than the other)
He takes them in and enjoy.
And he speaks. As usual, the words do not come out right.
How did a “How are you doing?” become a “Well, if it isn’t an old Betty White and gay Cyclops”?
How did a “You look great today” became “You’re wearing boys’ clothes for once”?
How did “Your look beautiful” became “You have a hard-luck case of gay face”?
More importantly, how did an “I love you” became “I hate you”?
It is frustrating. Sebastian wants nothing more than for the boy to hear the words he wants to say to him ever since he has that epiphany. ‘
That awful epiphany. Awful, horrifying-
Wonderful epiphany.
Sebastian Smythe is in love with Kurt Hummel.
He does not realize it at first. But the tiny voice in his head eventually becomes louder, urgent, almost angry. Almost to say “Just realize me, already, you fool!”
(And when he finally does, there is no turning back.)
But over the time, he also realizes that tumbling over his words might be a good thing. Insulting Kurt, making him angry, making him upset. They are definitely better than Kurt rejecting him.
Because when he insults Kurt, he gets a reaction out of it. Kurt takes a few precious seconds away from Blaine just to get back at him. Kurt acknowledges Sebastian’s presence and this,
This is better than getting rejected and ignored.
This is better than heartbreak.
Sebastian works out the scenario in his head more times than he could. Each has a different storyline. Each has a different plot. A different setting. Different words.
But the conclusion is the same. (And always will be, almost already set in stone.)
Kurt would reject him, and Sebastian would end up in heartbreak.
Frankly, he just won’t be able to handle it.
I can’t breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
He smiles as the lyrics of ‘Breathe’ by Taylor Swift drift through the speakers on the shop. He stops drumming his fingers and gets up. Grabbing his bag, he makes over to the pair.
Like a routine.
And we know it’s never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh
Usual words, usual reactions. Sebastian chooses them instead of pain.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry
But in the end, really,
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry
It was never a choice. It was a necessity.
