The Mother I Never Had

1. Monsters under my bed

I stood behind the closed door in dark. Cold air from the air conditioned hall seeping under the door did nothing to soothe my nerves. Though I should have gotten habitual of this routine by now but every time I stood behind this door, it's always the same. My sweating palms did poor job of gripping the fans in my hands. I was sweating like a pig even if all I had on me was a thong and two fans in my hands to cover my non-existent breasts.

I was the most popular among the male population that ventured this rickety strip club called 'The Rubies'. It was run by Caprice, a woman and a very lesbian one at that. The only good part about working here was the respect Caprice gave us, the strippers. As her name, her addition to my life was a much needed impulse. She, with her quirky attitude and dark hair, opened her arms for me in my darkest time. In short I needed money and was working my bones off balancing three jobs a day to be able to earn enough to help Phil. We'd get to that in a short while, so let me give you a quick flashback first.

My childhood constituted of two things, a bald doll to play with that Phil found near dumpster and an empty stomach. People called Phil my father but he was far from it. He presented a good picture of himself to others so no one questioned anything. Even his mum, whom I called Gramps, was none the wiser. She raised me after my mum died. She worked at a library and often saved money to buy me clothes from thrift stores. She always said, "Money is important for those who don't have it. It may not buy happiness but it does get you a salon trip."

Then around the time I was four, her health deteriorated so she started helping with cooking, laundry and other chores every Sunday. I remember stuffing all I could in my tiny stomach, as there were never any leftovers, so I could last the following week on below average nutrition. There was never lunch or lunch money for school so thanks to my generous classmates, who loved to throw their half empty, sometimes full, plates in the garbage. It usually lasted me through the day. So next time you throw your perfectly good food away, think of me and know that how blessed you are to have that food on your plate and how stupid you are to throw it away. #period

I was eight when Grams passed away and the Sunday luxury was over. I was a quick learner and I knew what she did and how she did at home so all the household chores fell on me. Phil would bring home some groceries if he was hungry and I would cook. I would hide some of it in my wardrobe and serve the rest. I often ventured a church near our home to find donated clothes which were often a size too big on me.

When I was nine, I came home from school and found our home trashed with Phil sitting on the floor sporting a black eye. It was then he told me how he took loan from a loan shark in order to take care of my mom's hospital bills who died of cancer. Somehow he had managed to talk them into breaking the hefty amount into monthly installments. That day they had punished him because he had missed his installments which Grams had been helping him with until her death. Now since Phil couldn't find a job or no one would hire him (I don't know the exact reason why. I made the mistake of asking once and he had his ways to answer my queries so I was really scared of questioning him about anything.) So it all came down to me.

Soon school became a luxury and I had to drop out to earn enough to have food in our plates along with sparing money for the EMI. And again none the wiser because for them I was being homeschooled.

I started with gardening, washing cars to running small errands for the neighbors. I took after Phil so I was taller than the kids my age so I tried harder jobs like cleaning staff in small stores, a local burger joint, advertising the Chinese restaurant wearing a hen costume in blistering sun.

Caprice found me when I was fourteen, working floors in a shady bar for my 11pm shift. She didn't say anything to me but just observed me with her girlfriend from a distance, while I dodged hands trying to grope me. Then when I passed her table she slipped her card in my hand and said "If you need a job that pays much better, call me." I went home that day only to find our home trashed again. The bad people had grown relentless with out tiny instalments as compared to the huge amount of the loan. I knew what I had to do.