Tw: suicide
I wish I could see your smile one last time. I wish I could hold you tight and never let go. Why didn't you tell me anything? Why was I so oblivious to your pain? It hurts without you here...i wish you were still here.
"Fuck.." Kei groaned as he sat up from his bed, his room reeked of alcohol from all the drinking, "everything has turned to shit after you left...hah- what happened to the smart and organised Tsukishima Kei....I completely forgot how to live" Kei reached for his phone but as soon as he unlocked it he felt a surge of emotions overwhelm him, his vision was getting clouded with his tears. Trembling he stared down at what lay below him, a picture of his boyfriend which was set as his wallpaper. Kei felt a sharp pain in his chest he clenched his shirt as salty droplets dripped down his face. He knew he couldn't keep this up any longer, he had to try to get his life together. Staring at the empty space beside him once more before he left the room.
Tsukishima's POV
My eyes were stinging from crying so much, I looked at myself in the mirror, how pathetic have i become? Acting as if i'm fine during the day so others wouldn't be concerned over me and drinking unhealthy amounts of alcohol by night. Here i go again putting on a fake image, after all you were the only person i could be completely comfortable around. Hah- i need to meet up with yamaguchi, he keeps asking to meet up with him after the incident.. Probably so i don't do anything stupid.
...
Here we go again, yamaguchi is bashing me with questions about my health. I try to pay attention but all i could hear were subtle "are you okays". I feel sick. Eventually realising what was going to happen i ran to the bathroom, i couldn't breath- i could only feel the hot liquid pouring out of my mouth as yamaguchi tried to rub my back for comfort.
I shouldn't have drank so much....
When i woke up, It felt like there was a oppressive force, as though there was someone squeezing my skull tightly, god i hate hangovers so much. I looked around and realised that i was back home again, yamaguchi probably brought me back after that whole puking fiasco. I feel disgusting, I need to take a shower, when was the last time i did anyways, i've entirely lost track of time.
Well I still feel like shit after that, I remember having a list of food that helps with hangovers in my notes, I quickly took my phone not looking at the screen while trying to unlock it. But when i went into notes- there was a note I didn't see before marked "I'm sorry" I was hesitant to open it but I couldn't help myself and clicked on it. It was last written on 5th of September 11:38pm, the day Kageyama killed himself.
Tsukishima's eyes widened as he read the contents.
Dear Kei, I would have probably left this world by the time you're reading this, or so I hope that you were able to save me...I'm really sorry it had to be like this there was just a lot of things that I was afraid of. You would have probably realised by now that I was a bit off these few days. I wish I have the courage to tell you what exactly is wrong if I could but I couldn't bear the thought of you seeing me as a weak person. I wanted to be worthy of standing by your side, but I'm afraid that won't happen after what I'm about to do. You see we don't get to meet each other very much which is quite ironic seeing how we live together, but you always reach home late that we never get to talk properly especially since you always go straight to bed. -At this point Tsukishima was already crying uncontrollably, "why didn't I do someth- " he tried to stay but he felt a lump in his throat. However he still wanted to know what caused Tobio to go so far. Today was actually the death anniversary of my grandfather, I asked you if you wanted to come and visit his grave with me, but you just left for work before I could even ask...not even a simple good morning. I know you have been super busy lately but you of all people should know how important he was to me and when I went and visited his grave I couldn't help but cry. The emotions I kept bottling up was tearing me apart. I can't handle it anymore, so I decided to end it all. I know how you are Kei, you are going to blame yourself for this but please know that I have nothing against you..you are my everything but I'm sorry, goodbye.
"FUCK FUCK FUCK. How could I not remember...I really fucked up." I knew that i wasn't paying enough attention to Tobio but it was because I was doing overtime so I could get something special...a ring. I was planning to propose to him.
-sobs filled the room as Kei continued to cry rubbing his swollen eyes-
but because of that I didn't spend enough time checking up on him, if I- if I paid more attention to him, he would still be in this world. Living.
There was only one place I wanted to go right now. The roof, we both spent plenty of memories there just making casual jokes and laughing together it was a comforting place. When Kei went up and saw the beautiful night sky he felt as if he was still there, like he was there waiting for him, to laugh like good old times. Kei laid down on the spot he always went to, feeling the cold tiles touch his skin he started recalling the night his boyfriend left the world.
Kei reached home seeing Tobio on the bed supposedly sleeping, he was exhausted that night so he went to sleep, which was probably around the time Tobio wrote that message in his notes. Around half an hour later he received a call from Tobio, he was worried and confused on why he wasn't in bed.
"Where are you? how come you aren't in bed?"
"Kei..." Tobio said in a raspy voice, he was clearly crying and he spoke in a tone that sounded as if he was begging for someone to help him. Kei could clearly tell that something was wrong.
"Please tell me where you are, what's wrong?" he spoke as he ran out of the house to find his crying boyfriend. He knew that he had to be quick because Tobio's crying only got louder and he could hear him trying to gasp for air.
Where in the world would he be, Kei said as he ran, wait.. there was one place that they often went to, the nearby park which had a steep cliff, it was filled with flowers which was a beautiful sight at night but it was closed off to the public due to safety reasons.
But there he was. The love of his life..standing at the edge of that cliff, as Tobio noticed Kei's presence he ended the call and only said one thing. I wish I could go on a date with you one last time. That was the last thing he said before he took a step off the cliff. Kei felt a roaring in his ears and lost track of everything else happening around him. The only thing that mattered right now was that the most important person in his life was now gone.
Kei fell to the ground he could feel the physical manifestation of unbearable grief wash over him he didn't want to believe it. He could not believe it.
I opened my eyes to see the millions of stars that lay across the sky, I remembered old stories that our parents used to tell us that when a person dies it becomes a star. Now I wonder, is he there staring down at me right now? Would it have been better if I was never in his life? Maybe. But the only thing I could hope for is that he was finally happy. I really wanted to have a family with him, one filled with happiness and animals but that's impossible now.
If only I could see you smile one last time.
A/n: I couldn't really figure out the ending of this- and honestly I'm going to cry because of it but there we go let's make my favourite ship suffer :,)
