College, Sex, and The Holy Bible

"My First College Party"

Alright, so this is the story of my first ever college party. So, the week before classes start, and everyone is moving in there is nothing but free time. Take a college campus amd subtract the homework, and you now have basically have Project X.

There were so many parties all the time that I didnt even get around to going to one until the end of the week. Alright, so my girl Karen hit me up and said "We need to just get really fucked up tonight". Typically, I was like hell yeah let's do this. Little did I know what we were getting ourselves into.
So later that day we're riding around looking for this house party, and when we finally arrive. Bruh...

We get in and immediately I'm attacked by three extremely drunk girls. I danced with these girls for a bit but then tried to see if I could find anyone I knew. It was a band party, and a few of my friends were in the backyarf playing beerpong. Before I go out to greet them I decide to go get myself a little something to drink. Here's where the story get's interesting.

So I go into the kitchen, and see Karen talking to this guy. "Hey Mike! Have a drink!"'she said in her Kenyan accent. "Thanks loser, don't have too much fun now" I responded as I grabbed the red solo cup from her. Okay, so the funny part about this story is that I was never really the biggest drinker in highschool. Sure, I'd drank before but tonight was just so much different. The guy that handed me the drink gave me a warning to take it slow. Man...I probably should have listened to him.

As the dumb ass freshman I am, I decided kt would be really smart to just chug the cup. Bad idea. So I imediately get a refill and go see my friends outside. "Yoooo! Token!" they drunkenly exclaimed, "Join the squad, we're on a roll!". So we play about two games, and after the third game a lot of people started to get really shitty, including myself.

This is where a few gaps in my memory begin popping up. I decided at one point that I really wanted to dance so I went to the living room (this was a pretty big house, not mansion status but pretty damn close). Girls were twerking on walls, drinks were spilling, lights were flashing, and damn it was beautiful. So I start going so ham on the dancefloor I have a crowd cheering me on, and I'm the king in this place. At least, that's what I thought.

For those of you that aren't aware, alcohol has a strange way of making you feel like Michael Jackson when in actuality you look more like IceJJFish. But hey, I was having fun. No ragrets, right? (If you get this reference I love you). Anyway, after a bit I ended up in this room with like ten girls and four guys including myself. We sit around in for a while until some guys bust out a bong and some guitars. I looked over at the bed filled with girls, smirked, and thought "time to impress everybody". Wrong. I hit the bong and was about to completely just make all of the ovaries explode, but then it hit me. I, to this day, do not know what was in that weed but good god it kicked like a mule. We all basically just layed there and watched pokemon until like 4 a.m. That is until the room slowly began to turn into a fucking orgy!

I literally did not know what to do. I mean, yeah sex is great and all, but I wasn't that fucked up. So I just slowly slip my way out of there to find most people either passed out in vomit or in a post-adolescent hormonal frenzy. I found Karen laying on a couch and sat with her. "Party too hard?" I ask, jokingly, knowing that we'd both regret everything in the morning.

I don't remember how I got back on campus, but I do remember waking up in Karen's bathroom with the biggest fucking hangover of all time. Sweet baby Jesus, it was awful. Anyway, moral of this story: If a huge frat guy tells you to take it slow, just down it as fast as you can. It's not that bad.