It seems like everytime i go to the bookstore there is whole entire section of shelves dedicated to the fan fiction craze that surrounds the human x vampire love phenomenon. I could never really get into it, I thought it was all some major B.S. Im not judging but i just couldnt ever understand how someone could fall for someone who is technically dead. Until recently i avoided Vampire love stories like the plague. Now i can completely understand the vampire perspective of the story. The constant hunger, and hiding because i just want to be normal. And of course, falling hard in love with the one you cant have. Not wanting to fall to hard because you dont want them to end up hurt. I guess i can technically compare my life to the life of the stereo typical vampire. I have a mental disorder. Oral fixation. I always have to put things in my mouth and the insane urge to bite anything and everything. I also have an emotional problem. I fall for older men, especially teachers, i fall hard. Once i admit to a crush there is no going back. Lust overcomes me half of the time and i do things i probably shouldn't, and this is my story. Satisfying my constant urge to bite, and how i fell for a teacher.
First of all, i am a self-diagnosed ( via google) oral fixator. I am constantly bite things chewing things and i have to always be chewing gum or i will bite the person closest to me. It is very embarassing and that is why i had to self diagnose myself because you cant really talk to your parents or your doctors about how bad you wanna bite people sometimes. That would probably be one of the craziest things they would have ever heard. At first i never really noticed my condition, but recently i noticed that i was always biting people, and i was staring at their necks with an insane urge to just crunch down and it scared the hell out of me. I tried not to think about it and eat apples and gum whenever i can. I was so scared that i would rip into someone when i lose control.
Secondly, i have fallen madly in love with a teacher at my school. There is a 22 year age difference and it doesnt bother me, but i am pretty sure it would freak him the hell out if he knew. But he doesnt, so i would like to keep it that way for a while. I knew i liked him since the first time i heard his voice. I didnt know who he was and his voice captured my attention like no one elses has ever done before. I knew he was a teacher and i knew it was wrong but i couldnt even try to control my emotions when it came to him. Recently it has gotten really bad, i am having crazy fantasies about him in my head, and i am trying to convince myself that i am over him but it gets hard to forget about him when he is always smiling at me. I would tell him to not smile at me but that would be super weird. How would you even ask a person to stop smiling at you?
So lets see, where do i begin? Its not easy to share my thoughts, especially when i am convinced that i am going insane, slowly but surely. I guess i will begin about a week ago.
Everyday before school i think about if i will see him today. Today i have no where to go during study hall so i always go to the computer lab and hangout in there and just watch him from a distance, i know that is major creep alert but i cant help it. I am just like any other girl with a crush except my crush happens to be a teacher, but that is besides the point. I always put on makeup to look natural but not too over the top, and i want to look mature so he wont think of the age difference as much. After i had tried on 5 or 6 different outfits i had settled on the first one i tried on and made my way to the kitchen. A thought that ran in my head scared me more than any of my other thoughts. While i was eating of bowl of some delicioso honey bunches of oats with vanilla soymilk the milk dripped down my mouth and in my head i imagined blood dripping down my mouth. It was almost like an aphrodesiac to me. I wanted to tasted human blood. It terrified me to think such violent thoughts. My stomach dropped and all food lost its appeal. I was scared. I was going insane and i didnt know who to talk to. Hell, i didnt even know what to say even if i could tell someone. I pushed away from the kitchen table and sat outside on the front bench to get some fresh air and clear my head.
"Why did i just think that? What is wrong with me? Am i going crazy"
"Of course your crazy, you just fantasized about tasting someones blood!"
"Oh my god , and now im talking to myself!"
