OUR SHALLOW GRAVES

Panic

Eren felt a wave of panic flash through him. He shook himself out of it before he became paranoid.

"W-well, then what do you wanna know?" Eren asked, hoping that his voice wasn't shaking.

"Just came to check up on you. Petra said that you cut yourself on some glass earlier.," he said. Eren internally winced. Petra had him come to check up on me. Ouch.

"Of course she had him check up on you. Who knows what you're capable of. Then again you're way too dumb to come up with something on your own anyway.," Armin's voice cut through the tension-filled silence like a knife. Out of the corner of his eye, Eren saw Armin leaning against one of the stalls. Levi noticed Eren staring at the empty space.

"Eren.," he said as he snapped his fingers in the brunette's face. Eren whipped his head around to face the captain.

"A-ah, sorry. What'd you say?" Eren asked nervously. Levi sighed as he backed away.

"I was just asking how you are. I know that it's a little stiff around here and it may be a bit uncomfortable having all eyes on you after all. I just want to make sure you're doing well.," the captain responded. Eren gave him a small smile.

"I'm alright, Heichou. It's uncomfortable being the center of attention at times but I understand why. I just wish sometimes that I had my friends with me so I wouldn't feel so left out.," Eren replied, honestly.

"The same friends you let die? Wow, you're such a sap. I swear you're nothing but an idiot. Why do you think they leave you out of things, huh? You can't be trusted. I mean, who trusts a Titan. A monster.," Armin taunted. Eren glanced sideways at the hurtful words. C'mon. The real Armin would never say that. He'd always have my back. Levi felt pity for the boy. He wasn't the first to lose people, but he is one of the younger ones. It hurts, especially when he's been thrown around like a ragdoll to do the bidding of people who wish he was dead. He noticed Eren was staring at the empty space in the stables again. He watched the surrounding area to understand what Eren could possibly be seeing.

"Eren? What are you looking at?" The sudden noise snapped him out of the daze he was in. He glanced towards the empty space again to find nothing. He sighed and smiled again.

"Nothing. I just thought I saw something, but it turned out to be nothing.," he replied sheepishly. Levi hummed in response, choosing to trust his subordinate.

"Well, dinner's almost ready. Go on ahead, I'll finish up so that you could get a quick bath in before you eat. I don't want you to catch something from being stuck in the stables all the time.," Levi said as he cocked his head towards the door. Eren's eyes widened in shock.

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay behind? It'll be even quicker if the both of us do it.," Eren asked. Levi clicked his tongue.

"It's fine. It'll be better if I just do it myself, you'll only get in the way.," Levi said as he went to untie another horse. Eren quickly put away his things and headed towards the washrooms. It was nice being the only one in there, no eyes watching him from behind. Once he was set in the bath he began pondering his mind on various topics.

"Why're you thinking so hard? I mean, with your stupidity what could you possibly be thinking about.," a voice said. Eren's eyes sprung open to find Mikasa sitting near the edge. Legs crisscrossed as she rested her elbows in her lap. Her piercing eyes staring holes into his skull.

"You're not here, at least not really.," Eren said regretfully. As he looked down into the water he saw her face staring back.

"You sure? Because I think I'm real, at least I was until I died. Remember Eren, my blood and Armin's, is on your head. You left us to die. Yet you're still alive, barely. These people in this place don't trust you. You barely trust yourself.," Mikasa exclaimed. Eren covered his ears, but her voice rang like a bell in the head.

"You're useless! You couldn't even save yourself much less your friends! Were we that replaceable to you? I thought you said that we'd see the ocean together. But I was wrong.," she sneered.

"Stop it! Stop it!" He yelled. She drove on and on, relentlessly striking knives into his heart with every word she spoke. He pulled himself out of the tub and grabbed a piece of glass from his pocket. He dragged it across his skin, over and over as crisscrossing lines of blood spilled from his arm. He cried as the burn from the pain became numb. As he opened his eyes again, she was gone. He looked around frantically, hoping that it was all just a horrible nightmare. He sighed in content when he realized he was still alone. He looked at his arm encased in blood. I guess this is more useful than I thought. He said to himself. He slowly stood up, wrapping a towel tightly around the fresh wounds. He cleaned up the blood that had spilled onto the floor so that no presence was able to find out what had happened. Once he had cleaned the washrooms along with himself, he changed out into some fresh clothes from the basement before heading towards the infirmary. He looked inside to make sure no one was present. He slipped in, being as quiet as he possibly could. He opened the medicine cabinets and pulled out some bandages and some alcohol. As he let the fluid run over his cuts he clenched his teeth to prevent the hiss that threatened to escape his lips. He quickly tied the bandages onto his arm. He also grabbed some more of each material to take back with him. Once he had hidden the items properly, he made his way towards the dining hall. As expected, they were also just arriving. He held his head low in hopes to keep the spotlight off him for the night. It had worked, sorta. Petra had noticed him but gave him a joyful smile as she waved at him. He returned the kind gesture as he made his way towards them.

"How was your day, Eren?" Petra asked quietly.

"Good, quiet but really good.," he replied. Petra smiled at him once more before taking a seat. They were having some leftover broth and bread from earlier that morning. Eren barely nibbled at it and just kept stirring the soup with his spoon. He didn't feel hungry, in all honesty, he felt nauseous. The others were too engrossed in their conversation to notice Eren getting up. Once he had placed his dish into the sink, he leaned against the counter. His head was spinning a little though he blamed that on the loss of blood. He slowed his breathing hopes to relax.

"Oi brat, what're you doing?" Levi said. Eren jumped up, not realizing someone had entered the kitchen. He planted a smile on his face as he looked at his commanding officer.

"Just putting away my dishes, Sir. I was gonna turn in early tonight.," Eren replied, flawlessly. The captain looked him over before giving him a curt nod and leaving the room. Eren sighed as he felt his body go weak. He noticed his hands were slightly shaking due to exhaustion. He splashed some cold water on his face to relieve his nerves. Once he left he bid everyone goodnight before heading down towards the basement. As he laid himself down, he adjusted himself so he wasn't laying on his arm. The stinging reminded him of what he was trying to accomplish, but it also reminded him of what he is. He thought back to the washroom and how Mikasa seemed to just disappear. It was the first time it had happened though. Ever since their deaths, he's seen both of them everywhere. Taunting him with their hurtful remarks and faces. They seem so real, but the moment someone else is near, he realizes that it was all in his head. Just seeing them hurts, but knowing that he couldn't save them felt worse. Their deaths were on his head. Just like his father's and just like his mother's. His mother was so beautiful. Grisha would say it every day, how Eren got his looks from his mother. The only difference was their eyes. Eren remembers her eyes, such beautiful golden orbs. So kind and gentle. Until they were riddled with fear as she sacrificed herself to save him and Mikasa. His mother's words ring in his mind. Go! Protect each other. She said these words before her painful death, as the streets flooded with her blood. He felt his vision blur as he remembers. Sunny skies as he collects woods for the fire, Armin racing towards them with a large grin meaning that he'd gotten a new book, his mother smiling as she did chores around the house, and his father making an empty promise that he'd one day show Eren what was in their basement. He cried himself to sleep that night, grateful for not being able to hear such painful words, but sad as he realized how truly alone he was in that desolate place.