Subject 0: The mistake

The Apology

"Isn't it funny?"
"What is?"
"How you pretend you don't have feelings, while I pretend I do..."

I was still in the dreamland (minus the dreams for once, thank God) when a muffled groan stirred me from my sleep. Slowly I opened my eyes, the bright light coming from the window making me squint. I stretched my back with a yawn and looked at the empty bed. Why didn't I sleep in the bed if it's empty? I wondered
Because it wasn't empty last night other Luna replied
Huh? What do you mean?
Another groan sounded and this time I pinpointed it's source, the little bathroom attached to the room.
Around that time all the memories from last night came back to me. Newt getting hurt, the Medjacks helping him, me staying with him through the night, me stupidly falling asleep instead of taking care of him.
"Shit!" I said jumping up. I run to the bathroom and in a moment of pure and utter stupidity I opened the door.
"Aahh bloody hell!" The poor boy was trying to buckle his pants the moment I came in "Luna you can't just barge in to the bathroom! I could be taking a piss! I was taking a piss you're just lucky!" He lectured me with a flushed face.
"Oh Newt!" I cried with happiness throwing my hands around his neck and pulling him in for a hug.
"I'm so glad you're ok, I thought you were hurt, I thought you were dead!" I said my tears wetting his shirt.
He gently patted my back before pushing me away from him. I admit at that moment I wasn't exactly angry just confused and a little sad... Why didn't he want to hug me?
Someone must have heard the commotion because before I could say another word Clint and Jeff came into the room and looked at us in the bathroom
"Come on Newtie none of that, you've lost a lot of blood! You guys can continue later on" Jeff said with a cheeky smile.
Looking at Jeff's teasing smile and Clint's sheepish face I realised how our situation must have looked: Newt and I in the bathroom, alone, with his pants half on and his belt unbuckled, his face flushed from embarrassment, mine from crying.
"How do you feel?" Clint asked Newt, sparing me from further embarrassment. He helped Newt back to his bed and I noticed that Newt wasn't stepping on his injured leg... the leg I tried to fix...
"Don't get up on your own again ok? Just ask for one of us to come help you" Clint said after helping Newt get to his bed.
"Yeah yeah whatever don't get your knickers in a knot..." Newt mumbled trying to get comfortable.
"I'm gonna go get Alby, he said he wanted to talk to you when you wake up..." Jeff said acting on his words.
"Bloody great..." Newt mumbled laying on his side, looking away from us.
Clint threw me a questioning look and I simply shrugged, not used to the lovely guy I learned to call my friend acting so gloomy. Clint shrugged as well and started to get ready for the day: counting supplies, whipping counters and such.
A couple of minutes of awkward silence later Alby and Minho came into the room with Jeff. Minho stayed in the back not saying anything, just looking around calculating the situation. Alby looked a little out of breath, the stern look forever drawn on his face, but the moment he saw Newt was awake, a look of pure relief flooded his face.
I was surprised and touched at his concern, maybe our fierce leader actually had a soft side?
"Do you have clunk for brains you shunk?!" He shouted and (you guessed it) spit came flying out of his mouth.
Ah there's the Alby I know and tolerate...
Newt sat up in his bed, his legs over the edge but not stepping on his injured one, facing the wall with blank eyes.
"No, not the last time I checked.... Wait let me check again...hmmm.... Ah no, still no." Newt replied not looking at him.
I would have laughed not only because Newt was witty and sassy, but also because of the shade of red that Alby's face took. But I didn't because when Newt talked there wasn't a hint of playfulness in his voice. It was like he was fed up with all this, with us, with life...
"Listen to me you slinthead, I wanna know what happened and I wanna know right now." Alby said in an unusually calm  voice.
"Nothing happened..." Newt mumbled still looking away from us.
"Nothing happened, my ass!" Alby shouted and reached for Newt. For a split second I thought he was gonna strangle him, so I made to push him away. But I stopped when Alby simply put his hands on Newt's shoulders, grasping him, showing nothing but concern and love.
"Come on you shank what happened out there?" Alby questioned with a sweet voice I didn't know he possessed.
Newt just shook his head.
"Was there a Griever?" He tried again, same voice, full of patience, like a father teaching his children how to play the guitar for the first time.
Newt just shook his head. His eyes were starting to water now.
"Did you think there was an exit?" This time it was Minho, who had remained so silent I had almost forgotten he was there.
"No!" This time Newt shouted his answer, his eyes red and moist, "There was no Griever! There was no bloody exit! And you know why?! Because there is never going to be an exit! This is hopeless, whatever we do is useless, what this whole thing is is just a show for whoever put us in here! They watch us die, that's what they want! Well I don't want to die when they want me to! I want to die whenever I want to die! Taking matters into my own hands!"
By the end he was looking out at all of us, his eyes searching ours. I don't know what the others felt, but the only thing running through my mind was 'This isn't Newt, this can't be Newt', my eyes wide with shock.
Alby let go of him, took a couple of steps back, shaking his head with disappointment. He left through the door, not looking back.
"Alby, come on dude!" That was Minho, rushing after him, sending a quick glance at Newt before he too left.
"You should get some rest..." Clint mumbled also making his exit.
"Yeah... We'll send some food up later..." Jeff soon followed after his partner.
I was just looking at him, still staring in shock, my mind still in denial, searching for another answer, any other answer.
I knew he was tracing my movements, even if he wasn't directly looking at me. With a long breath through my nose, I tried to compose myself. I pulled the chair a little further from his bed and sat down.
"What are you doing?" He asked, for the first time addressing me. His voice was empty. This isn't Newt
"I'm sitting here, seems like it's going to be a long wait..." I answered, playing absentmindedly with a loose strand of my hair.
"A wait for what?" He asked now fully turned to look at me, but I kept my eyes forward.
"My friend to come back" I simply answered still not looking at him.
"You think you know me?! You think we are friends?!" He shouted at me, voice full of anger.
It hurt. Him talking to me like that, but I didn't care, I just wanted him back and if shouting at me helped then so be it.
"Yes." One word, one glance straight to his eyes. He turned away, laid down on his bed and turned on his side, looking in the opposite direction of where I was sitting.
And just like that we were left in total silence, the only sounds our breathing and the distant noises of life coming from the Gladers outside, going about their day, not knowing what was going on inside the room or our minds.

I don't know how long it'd been. Clint and Jeff didn't return, Newt didn't speak a word to me. The silence continued and I hated very second of it. I wasn't sure if Newt was still awake, his breathing didn't indicate anything. It was like each one of us had their own little personal bubble, unaware of anything going on outside of it. And my bubble was getting intolerable. Another second of silence and it would pop, I would go insane, I would die....
So I did something that at the moment felt very normal and natural.

I used to rule the world, Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning, I sleep alone, Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice, Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing: Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!
One minute I held the key, Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand, Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand
I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing, Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield, My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never, never a honest word
And that was when I ruled the world

"You have a beautiful voice"
*POP* And just like that, there were no more bubbles, he was looking at me now and I was looking at him
"Thank you" I simply offered turning in my chair fully so I was facing him.
"I'm sorry..." He said in a quiet voice, now avoiding my eyes.
"What for?" I asked, hoping against hope he would look at me.
"For yelling at you... You don't deserve that..." He answered playing with his fingers.
"That's alright..."
"And..." He trailed of, now sitting up on his bed but still not looking at me.
"And?" I pulled my chair closer to his bed. He was right there, I could reach out and hug him, but I didn't.
"I'm sorry, for..." Now he was looking at me. His eyes were watery with unshed tears, his lips trembling.
I reached out and pulled him into my arms. This time, he didn't push me away. So we just stayed there: Half sitting, half standing, with his head at my stomach and my arms tightly around him.
"That's alright..." I whispered, running my hands through his hair and up and down his back.
He was trying to muffle his sobs, my shirt was getting wet with his tears...
And it felt very normal and natural, being together like this. And as my own tears finally fell, out of relief this time, there was only one thought in my mind:
This is Newt
So I squeezed him tighter and I promised to myself I wouldn't let him go anytime soon.