boy in seoul

prologue: my last day

13th of June

I've decided. I am going to do it. This is going to be my last day here.

The bags are already packed and hidden so no one of my parents will find them. It isn't much but I can't be picky. Light baggage, I guess. On the other hand, what do I want with all my old stuff? Most of it I can't stand to look at anyway. It disgusts me to think that all the CDs and books, games, and clothes sparked joy in me once. It reminds me of the times I was happy. The times I was overflowing with energy. I could dance through the night and be amazed by anything. By anyone. I enjoyed life to it's fullest.

I tossed all of it away when I moved out of my apartment. The only thing I have now is what fits into my suitcase. No memories are left except for this diary. For some reason, it didn't want to leave my hand when I tried to throw it into the trash. And now it is mocking me. It knows that I know what stands on the first few pages. Entries about entries, about the start of what should have been my rescue. My salvation. Now I begin to tremble when my mind wanders to these stories. I can't read them anymore but I can't toss them out either.

Guess I overestimated my ability to heal. It took the feeling just three years to grow back. Back to the monster standing behind me pressing down on me. Making everything too much for me to bear. To start making everything dull and grey. Caging me in, into whatever life I have built myself. Nothing's enough anymore. Nothing comes through.

I am actually surprised that I finished my A-level. I thought I would crumble long before graduation but now that that's here, I can't hold on much longer. The graduation party is tonight. Everyone will be there: my parents, my friends, my teachers. So, one last time I have to put on this ridiculous smile.

One last time!

I have to tell me over and over again because otherwise, it would hurt too much. None of them deserve this but they wouldn't understand. They would hate me. So walking away, leaving them behind is the only thing I can do. It's the only option.

My parents arrived this morning and we all settled into the hotel. It didn't take them two seconds to bombard me with questions. Questions I didn't have the answers to, questions I was too afraid to answer, and questions they don't want to hear the answer to.

Right now they are out doing some sightseeing in the city. They wanted me to come. Of course, they wanted me to come. They haven't seen me, their only child, in almost three years. I guess that's understandable. Well, understandable by everyone else but me. I didn't miss them at all and now I am scared of them. So, I said I am tired. After they made me promise to show them around the day after tomorrow they finally left. It is so uncomfortable to have them around.

And it makes me feel guilty but if I am not careful they will notice that something is wrong with me. That something isn't right. Thank god, I have an entire hotel room for myself but just through this door opposite my bed is their room and every sound of a key lets me jump up and the tears start gathering again.

I can't do this any longer. I need to leave. If I don't leave I think I am going to die here. Going back home with my parents will probably not help either. Then I will just go back to my old, boring life I had before this driving me nuts.

These eyes need to see something new. This tongue needs to taste something better. I need new music to aid my ears and new people to touch me. I need the excitement back. What other reason is there to live?

So one more time I need to pretend and hopefully, by this time tomorrow, everything will be better.