The infinite mind

I was laying in bed, motionless. I thought I had potential when really I was more of a fraud than anything. She consoled me only in my thoughts for my emotions remained inside me, i opened up trying not to break down. My loneliness started to spill out, my heart beating out of my chest. I shut my mouth, I didn't want her to see me weak, I promised myself I'd never be weak again but I was wrong, oh so wrong. My heart shattered into pieces, people who are better than me will think I'm egotistical, how do I respond? How do I function in front of someone I aspire to be strong in front of so she can be stronger and more successful than I can even comprehend? How do I aspire to be the person I want to be when trying to teach others how I am? How does that make sense? Do I want people to be tortured or happy? Do I have other feelings deep down that I'm not aware of? Who does this make me? What are my real morals? Am I a good person? Am I bad?Am I successful in other people's failure and downfall? Am I doing good? Why do I always fall down the one hole that I know I have to pick myself up out of?