Somebody to Someone || Tatsumayoi

Gentle Piano Notes

gentle fingers drift around the tiles,

swiftly pressing on some specific notes for them to pull the strings and make it a suffocating melody.

that's how Mayoi has been living his entire life.

--------

disgusting, horrible, monster, selfish, ugly, monstrous, annoying, impulsive, liar, crybaby, object, demon child, horrific, deserving to die, deserving to be alone, lonely, attention whore.

he had heard them all.

nothing worked on him anymore. hate words from his "parents", if he could even call them that. he's been living with them since the beginning yet has never once heard the three faithful words coming from them to him. no one ever said those three words. all they said were one word. one single insult, one single thing that made his world crumble down into powder, because of course it was already shattered in pieces.

it's always like that.

and he thought it would always be.

-------

flash forward to middle school.

when he meets his first friend. his only friend. he can't invite him over, but he certainly can take all his time at school until his curfew.

that friend was the only one who didn't call him by those hurtful words. the only one who didn't leave him after knowing about his past. the only one who.. could help him in a way. he was there for him, he didn't even have to listen to Mayoi venting. it was good enough that he was there. that he existed.

but it wasn't enough for him to know that Mayoi was there as well.

-------

"you're the only one who had ever befriended me, who ever tried to make me smile and get out of my shell," Mayoi says.

'but then why did you have to leave..?' he thinks.

he never once said what he thought. he only said what was needed to be said. what was mandatory to continue a conversation. or he said nothing. he never spoke his mind. he sat around in silence when he didn't need to talk.

he knew bad things happened when he talked about his feelings.

------

and so the only friend he had left for good. he didn't move out, he didn't change schools or cut Mayoi off.

not any of that.

he killed himself. and Mayoi couldn't even go to his funeral.

a wall was built back again. swiftly, something moved the strings within his mind, creating a blockade from any external people. he locked himself in a room whose entry is only inside. no one could ever knock down that wall.

he made sure of it.

------

he blocked everyone off. he didn't talk in class except when asked to. he didn't eat at lunch with his classmates, he hid himself in the bathroom stalls and cried, or didn't cry. sometimes his tears just wouldn't fall. like his tear ducts were telling him that he didn't deserve to cry.

and at some point he believed it.

he started believing everything people said about him. all those insults were always directed at him, they were always so specific, always pushed onto him as a label, so that must mean he deserved them, no? he deserved the pain, he deserved it all. he didn't know why though, but he knew there had to be a reason. past lives? future lives? invisible mistakes? he couldn't ever know.

yet, still without an answer to his question, yet he continued believing them. it was easier than trying to fight back. all he had to do is sit back and wait until he gets the courage to die.

easy.

that's what he thought.

-----

that's until he met Tatsumi. oh, good lord, Tatsumi was quite literally the fallen angel.

"hey, don't hide your face, it's beautiful."

'is it really though? isn't that a lie to make me feel worse? is that a trick you're playing? why are you lying to me about this of all things? we all know how untrue that statement is..'

"you don't have to be afraid, it's just me, Aira and Hiiro. you're okay, you're safe with us."

'what's safe..? how do I know you all won't turn around to hurt me, you all won't go away as soon as you realize how much of a worthless game I am? won't you all leave once you see how horrific my body is? how repellant my face is? how disgusting my voice sounds? are you sure you won't leave me? are you sure you won't stab me in the back? how can you be sure? how can I be sure you're not lying?"

"are you okay? I heard from Aira you had trouble coming to meet the others. do you need anything? do you want me to help you go to sleep? you look so tense, Mayoi. do you want me to sing you something?"

'I'm not okay, I don't know what's going on. everyone scares me when I go on the stage. I don't deserve you, I don't deserve anything that's been happening to me. I don't deserve to go there and express what I'm feeling with my voice, I don't deserve any of it.. I don't deserve to have you.. sorry'

"hey Mayoi, why are you always talking as if you're not a normal human being? last time I checked, you weren't a devil.."

'I've been considered an object, a rag, a punching bag, a anger relief object since I was old enough to walk. I'm trying to consider myself one, but my life experiences have made me like this. I'm so sorry.'

"hey Mayoi, you're an amazing person, a great friend to me, and.."

'I am? I'm a person? I'm someone? I'm someone to you..?'

"I want you to be happy, I want you to feel better about yourself.."

'but I don't deserve to be happy, I never once did. the only time I felt happy it was taken away from me by God himself. your god, to tell you about it.. I deserve every ounce of pain I have felt.'

"so that's why, I just really want to tell you.. I hope people have told you those three words before."

'those "three words"? what are you on about again? is it a passage from the bible..? ah-ah... I shouldn't get excited to know. it's an idle chatter. I should only listen, I won't talk. I'm not allowed to just yet..'

"I love you."

"Tatsumi, what does love mean..?"

"when you love someone, it means that you want to be beside them the most you can. you want to live with them, make them happy, help them fix themselves to the best of your ability. you care about them so, so much that you want to be their only priority, you want to pepper them with affection and compliments. there's also this weight in your stomach that turns into butterflies every time you see the person you love. that's what it mean."

he gulps.

"this is my first time to say something I'm currently thinking.. but.. would love also be described as wanting to have someone you can call 'home'?"

"of course."

he's choking on his words.

"then.. I want.... I'd like you to be my home.."

"welcome home, my love."

----

and for the first time in his life, Mayoi has felt okay. he knew what okay meant now. he knew that he could get hurt, he knew that he could be happy too. he took the risk.

and it was proven to be worth it, after all.

-----

fin