The narcissistic parent- My dad

How I lost my identity 😟

            People can be arrogant and self-absorbed to varying degrees and hurt those around them, but it's not the same as compulsively lying, manipulating and blaming others for their shortcomings. My home
was supposed to make me feel safe and secure. But instead of a haven, it was a constant emotional battleground. And my dad who was supposed to give
me love and compassion mostly spent his time gaslighting me and minimizing my feelings. Instead of building me up, he always made sure to tear me down. I was slave, lived under laws that had been invented only for me .
       when you are raised by a narcissistic parent, you realize from an early age that your value depends on your actions. My father always had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. My narcissistic parent presented me as a perfect little version of himself, but behind the closed doors of our house I was verbally abused and my mother was physically abused. I was never praised for my achievements. My dad made me feel that I should never be rewarded for my achievements, nor i should feel I have  done well enough. "Enough"doesn't exist anymore . I was always expected to do more. The expectations were so high, and I endure a lot of criticism from my father .I was dragged in a co-dependent relationship. He was exerting too much control over me . Through manipulative ideas he create a dependence. He often pretended that he can't live without me or something  similar , which instilled a lot of guilt in my heart. Ultimately, I lost my identity . I was forced and manipulated to hide or deny my own feelings and ideas so much,that i eventually lost my willpower to raise my voice .

                   Malignant self love

You will never get the truth out of my narcissist dad . The closest you will ever come is a story that either makes them the victim or the hero, but never the villain. In this plot made by him am the villain .Often my narcissist dad believed that other people are "faking it", leveraging emotional displays to achieve a goal. He is convinced that their ostensible "feelings" are grounded in ulterior, non-emotional motives. Faced with other people's genuine emotions like my mother's and mine the narcissist dad became suspicious and embarrassed. He felt compelled to avoid emotion-tinged situations, or worse, experiences surges of almost uncontrollable aggression in the presence of expressed sentiments. They remind him how imperfect he is and how poorly equipped he is . Their needs will always be more important than telling you any truth that isn't in their favor. I have always felt unseen, ignored, or unloved . Congratulations!  Miss Syama Priya You're the perfect prey for your narcissists dad who feeds you lies and manipulative tactics. His Emotional abuse is designed to undermine my sense of self and questioned my whole existence .He deliberately humiliated me with the intent to seize control of how others feel about me . When my dad set boundaries guidelines, rules and limits , financially cutting me off , pouring revenge against my mother etc. After a backstab from my dad I realised that Without strong defined boundaries i exposed myself to being abused by narcissists.
Once you have had a narcissist in your life, you must develop your intuition and learn to listen to it and act accordingly.

                   Playing the victim role

            My manipulator  dad portrays him or himself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else's behavior especially my mother , his any victim in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator daddy often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation. With a mentally sick person in my  life, i can't make plans for the future. It's impossible to make long-term plans when teaming with people that are too obsessed with conflicts and selfish needs. My dad always gave up on me for no reason . He considered me as an inferior individual.And hopefully, there will come a time when such individuals like my father are segregated from society and put in to mental assylums . Until that moment comes, i can only avoid him and label him as a toxic personality. As a result my dad often exhibits emotional shallowness, I knew that narcissists are essentially devoid of all empathy or compassion for other people. Lacking empathy, a narcissist is a very destructive and dangerous person to be around.

           Disapproval and criticism

This can take the form of looks that silently tell you you have failed in his eyes or it can be pointed questions regarding my lifestyle choices or other decisions i have made. Almost any decision i have made without consulting him first will be met with disapproval from his side . He often did this to try to get me into the habit of running everything past him first, thus reinforcing his belief and ideology that I am incapable of making my own decisions/choices
            My narcissist father believed that he have the right to interfere in my private lives. He often wanted me to date someone from our religion and superior in caste offcourse , otherwise you're not allowed to date. At the extreme end of the spectrum, my narcissistic parent deliberately sabotage my adult relationships.
     His criticism is designed to destroy my self-confidence.He manipulated his relationships with his nephew niece and buttered it with age old criticism and customs . He allowed his nephew (an upcoming narcissist and a jealous manipulator )and his father ( an old narcissist )to excessively criticise me on my love life and career choices .

         The dysfunctional family of mine

My dad always accused of my mom ruining his life . But unfortunately he was the one who destroyed the relationship . How will you address that
overwhelming feeling that you've been used, lied to, and emotionally abused by someone you loved so much. And my poor mother didn't even knew that she was/were in a narcissistic relationship in the first place. I fell in general that all narcissist are beyond criticism; they can't apply external input to improve themselves. That's why they always look for the source of the problem outside themselves. So he eventually made my mother as the source of his problems . One of the most perfidious things about my dad was that he can camouflage himself being the nicest person on the planet / the best husband and a good father . In a nutshell she was the perfect love of his life, to nothing whatever she did is ever good enough. She gave him everything and then he took it all and give her nothing and almost in return. She end up depleted, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and probably financially, and then got blamed for it. He always tried to erode our self esteem in all possible ways .He lacked empathy and his were eyes often filled with grudge . Because of him I and mom were riding the rollercoaster of disaster filled with a heart full of tears . As the time went by we almost became numb . Everything appeared in front of me was grey, I was dying inside . I was suffering in silence for years and people around me were telling to shut up and keep going. But one day my intuition about my dad came into reality . He already registered his profile in matrimonial sites to find a new prey .He was targeting the women in early forty's exploiting their emotions by showing him innocent charm . I caught him red handed and he lied on face . I saw the fire of narcissism glowing in his eyes .It was a traumatic event and I was emotionally damaged by his manipulation. So I had this tactical approach, I learned to less respond to his negatives and I started to feel the normalcy again .But that was just the beginning of the explosion when I thought this was the last incident .
People hate it when their relatives,cousins or friends become successful. They may never admit it outright, but there's an undercurrent of envy and gossip that is existing within my first degree relatives. They try to keep it to an acceptable level by applying ethics , practising support and gratitude.
There's the blatant jealousy when someone gets something we want something like a career progression, moving abroad or a job . They always have the inward feelings of inferiority, or outward disdain for another . I know envy is deep and has its biological roots. "We are a family " these words are always uttered by my extended family .This is a clear cut example of how these four words does over rule narcissist behaviour. So yeah ,there are three flying monkeys in my family . Due to personal reasons I can't reveal their true identities because they are threatening me for writing family secrets . So these flying monkeys are now tormenting on the target(me ) like spying , threatening and painting themselves as victims and me as a rabble rouser .
What you allow, is what will continue so as an adult I have decided this whole family drama should end.