Part Of Me

Part One.

May 25th, 2018

When you turn eighteen years old, you are above the consenting age and laws become hazier as you get older. I was never educated on what rape actually was. Two years later, I figured out why I felt so uncomfortable and why I was never able to do some things without feeling like I was looked at differently.

I was fresh into adulthood and I had just graduated from high school the day my virginity was taken from me.

I had known him from my old high school and remembered that he was in a relationship for about five years with a really sweet girl. A couple hours before, he explained that they were no longer in a relationship and had broken up. I was going to just hang out with him, nothing more. My intentions were to get to know the guy I had been talking to for a couple of weeks. Maybe kiss some and cuddle. I never wanted to have my virginity taken from me.

Before that night, I had asked my mother's friend about exploring my sexuality. I wanted to find some sex toys to do so. I trusted her. She gladly accepted and the night she was there, we got a couple. It wasn't much, but it was enough for me to find out what I liked and everything. The night my virginity was taken, I didn't want to explore. I wanted to get to know someone.

After my graduation ceremony, he had asked if I wanted to hang out in a snapchat. I was excited because I was liking this guy and I wanted to hang out with him. I had asked my mother, who was too preoccupied by her best friend to know what had happened, and she said to go. "Go have fun," said my mother's best friend. I jumped into my little soccer mom car and drove to my old middle school.

The guy asked me to go there because he wanted to play basketball. I was fine with it and I accepted. I waited an hour before he came in his red Chevy car. We hung out at the court by the middle school and we talked. We hung out and laughed, but there was something weird going on. He kept getting in and out of his car, playing with me, locking himself in the car. It was almost like he wanted me to follow him to his house. Eventually he asked me to go, and I was okay with it. It was hot outside and it was getting really dark.

I got in my car and followed him to his house. His mother and his stepfather were at the house when I stepped inside. I felt so strange. Pictures of his ex and himself were on their wall. They gave me a confused look when I walked in. He explained that I was just a friend and we were going to hang out in his room. They hesitantly accepted, and we walked into his and his brother's room. They shared a room so naturally, there were photos of his brother and his girlfriend on their walls as well.

I sat down in a black desk chair by their computer and he sat on his bed in the leftist side of the room. I looked up and saw ten to fifteen photos on a cork board above his bed of himself and his 'ex' girlfriend. I had asked him again if this was okay. If I was okay to be there. He kept saying yes but with an aggravated undertone. He put on Netflix and we watched movies like Pitch Perfect. I still sat in the desk chair. He then asked if I wanted to sit on the bed with him. I was alright with it because I wanted to move in closer to him. I was so nervous, and I was confused. All of these emotions just bundled together. I was almost afraid. I sat beside him and watched the movies. He explained, before anything happened, that his ex was only talking to him through email, which I thought was strange. He continued to say that she was out of his life and that she didn't mean anything to him anymore. That he was upset with her. He said, "I'm done with her."

I calmed down a little, but I was still worrisome. He swept up my hand and held it. But we got closer. He got all up in my face and started to kiss me. I was fine with it, but his breath was bad. That was a part I remember vividly. He pulled me down to laying on the bed and we kept kissing. He eventually found my body and we got closer, but I got more uncomfortable after that. He asked me several times if I wanted to have sex. I declined each time. He waited for a few minutes, kissing me harder each time I said no. He became a little rough and grabbed me a little tighter every time I said no. I didn't want to have sex with him, but I got annoyed and told him yes. He undressed me and himself and we had nonconsensual, protected sex. At the time, I didn't know that if I was manipulated or coerced into my answer, it was considered rape or sexual assault. If it wasn't already bad enough that he took my virginity, but he also stopped halfway to tell me that I wasn't his ex-girlfriend and he stopped fully after that. I couldn't tell you how broken I was. My feelings for this guy vanished and I was disgusted. I left his house at four in the morning, knowing I would never go back. He went to Florida the day after, saying that if I would've gone with him to Florida, he would've never gone back to his ex. That broke me even more. First knowing I would never be able to give my future husband something that was special to me, but also being manipulated into something I didn't want to do.

I still don't fully understand it, but I know what he did was wrong. I'll never go to court for this, and I'll never press charges because it's been two years already. Doing something now, especially something that is so small compared to others, won't help me. Unfortunately, this is just one of my experiences with rape and sexual assault. Stay tuned for part two. It gets worse from here.