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MyLordReaper, your cover needs a makeover! Here's the cover you never asked for, but the one you need.
Nothing describes scary like a terrified victim (as seen on this cover). I read your story halfway, since your OC Magnus is a giant killer, little is known about his backstory as a character.
I'm gonna say this as your unofficial editor: Don't rush your writing. Why am I saying this? Because I've been noticing drawbacks.
1. Quotation marks where they don't belong.
Example: "Andrea, watch out! Raquel shouted."
Correction: "Andrea, watch out!" Raquel shouted.
2. An inconclusive quotation mark.
Example: "Watch your tone, Cedric. We don't know what that menace is capable of. Said private Pete.
Correction: "Watch your tone, Cedric. We don't know what that menace is capable of." Said private Pete.
3. Lack of enumeration.
Example: Lord Magnus loomed over Andrea his daughter she cowered at the sight of her gargantuan father. His cold menacing glare pierced her gaze indifferent and unforgiving.
Correction: Lord Magnus loomed over Andrea, his daughter, she cowered at the sight of her gargantuan father. His cold, menacing glare pierced her gaze, indifferent and unforgiving.
4. The lack of a period.
Example: Magnus left the pile of corpses to rot as the swarm of maggots that he unleashed devoured the decaying corpses as he walked away, not looking whilst his cape flapped in the cold wind
Correction: Magnus left the pile of corpses to rot as the swarm of maggots that he unleashed devoured the decaying corpses as he walked away, not looking whilst his cape flapped in the cold wind.
[I get it, no woman likes having a period, but you don't have to take it out on your writing. M'kay.]
5. Wrong mark.
Example: "W-w-whoa whoa wait, are you sure about that." I asked her.
Correction: "W-w-whoa whoa wait! Are you sure about that?" I asked her.
I as a reader, have noticed that some of the dialogue that you used for your characters doesn't convey the right emotion depending on their reaction.
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MsPizzaGirl, I liked the way you described your character design for Chris with his golden mane and sky blue eyes. So here is some eye candy for you, your Chris is now a dreamboat. I had to fiddle with the filter to give the black suit a blue hue. This is the closest thing that I could find that closely resembled your OC. Hope you don't mind the minor screw up with the (bow)tie.
I'll be honest with you, you're also having problems with your writing. The only thing that I can call you out on, or critique, is problems number 3&4 with a bit of plot inconsistencies. Other than that, you're good. 👍🏻
