OUR SHALLOW GRAVES

Time

It's been a few weeks since I started my daily "rituals". I had to restrain myself to do it at the end of each day to not rush myself or raise suspicions. Every now and then I'd find myself seeing less and less of Armin's and Mikasa's ghosts. Their taunts becoming distant memories. Though that's all they are now, memories. I've gotten close with Petra and Oluo, seeing as they make most of the dishes we eat along with cleaning up afterward. They're both very kind and they've gotten used to the idea of what I am. We make small talk between meals and they try to incorporate me into more conversations over dinner with the rest of the squad. Auruo is jealous of how maternal Petra is with me while Eld and Gunther are still wary of me. Levi Heichou even cuts in every once in awhile and it's amusing at how his own squad still fawns over him even after being together for so long. It was in the middle of dinner when I started feeling slightly nauseous. I had excused myself because I couldn't stomach eating anything. I walked myself towards the infirmary in hopes to find something to soothe the bile building in the back of my throat. Hanji was just filing some papers when I walked in.

"Ah Eren, how are you? I haven't seen you in a while.," she said. I was slightly confused at the statement because we only saw each other just the other day for an experiment.

"Um, I was just hoping there was something to ease my nausea. I'm not feeling too great.," I replied. Hanji nodded as she began to open some cabinets. Once she found what she was looking for she pulled out a needle as well. I gulped, as I watched her fill the needle with the prescribed amount.

"This is just a sugar solution. It'll sorta jumpstart your system again and in the morning you should feel better.," she said as she reached for my arm. I pulled back instinctively, to which she raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"Ah, sorry. Since my dad was a doctor I preferred if I did my own injections, if that's ok?" I asked, trying to cover the true reason as to why I wouldn't let her touch me. She was skeptical at first but nodded as she stood up.

"Alrighty then. If you need me I'll just be sorting some paperwork in the corner over there.," she said as she pointed to one of the farther parts of the room. I nodded as she turned to leave. I took the needle in my hand and twirled it around a couple of times. I remembered how my father treated the other patients and then repeated the steps as I replayed the memory in my mind. I held the needle between my teeth as I rolled up the sleeve to my left arm. Crisscrossing scars and newer cuts lined my arm, the same with the other. I tensed my arm as I patted it near the joint, searching for a vein. Once I found it, I pressed the needle on my arm hesitating slightly. I clenched my teeth, preparing for the oncoming pain. Once I injected the needle I sighed harshly. I pressed onto the syringe to release the fluid into my arm and pulled it free when it was gone. A little blood spilled from the tiny wound but I quickly rolled down my sleeve before Hanji could reappear.

"See ya tomorrow Hanji! Bright and early!" I called. I left briskly, not waiting for a response. I wandered the halls before heading down. I found myself walking up one of the patrol towers that was overlooking the surrounding area. I looked out over the edge, the stars guiding any remaining soul to paradise. I watched in peaceful silence as the world seemed to almost sleep. I was so entranced that I hadn't realized anyone else was with me.

"It's beautiful sight.," a voice said behind me. I turned to see the captain leaning against one stone columns. I nodded in agreement before turning my head back upwards. The captain stepped forward until he was right beside me, staring at the endless abyss as well. For a moment, time stopped. It was so peaceful and serene, Eren wished to be able to hold onto that moment forever. To forget what he was and what he has to do. To forget all the mistakes he's done and to right the wrongs he's committed. But like all beautiful things, it has to end.

"Eren, it's getting late. We should head down.," Levi said as he nudged the boy. Eren nodded in turn as he followed Levi through the castle. He let himself wander in his thoughts to try and make the journey longer, to enjoy his limited freedom as much as he could. Once he was inside the cell he plopped himself onto his bed with a light pat as the mattress caught him. He was about to start unstrapping his belts when another pair of hands beat him to it. He found himself staring at the captain as he began unbuckling and pulling at the leather straps that bound his legs to his gear.

"I-I could do it.," Eren stutters, trying to understand the situation. Levi looked up at him, staring at him for a moment.

"Just let me do this brat.," Levi mutters, before resuming his work. Eren nodded stiffly as he felt the leather loosen on his skin and the work of feather-light hands working quickly and efficiently to finish the task at hand. Once Levi's finished, he neatly folds the belts and goes to put them on a stool next to Eren's nightstand. As he does so, Levi notices a small instrument resting on top of the said nightstand. On closer inspection, he realizes that it's a standard-issue knife. He picks it up and holds it between the both of them. Eren's eyes widened slightly but he then dips his head down further.

"Eren, where di you get this?" He asks, keeping his voice calm and low.

"They handed it out during training. I don't use it for much except for when I'm in the stables.," Eren responds quietly, avoiding eye contact with the older man. Levi sighs as he stands up, blade in hand.

"You know why you can't have this, Eren. I'm sorry.," Levi says as he slips it into his back pocket. Eren nods, still refusing to meet Levi's gaze. As they part, Levi looks over his shoulder again towards Eren. Eren's posture has not changed nor has his expression either. He looks like a puppy with its ears down and tail between its legs, getting scolded by his master. As Levi leaves, he feels the weight of the small knife. It's light, not weighing more than a pound maybe less. But it feels heavy as Levi makes his way towards his room. Once he's inside, he begins to remove his own belts as well as his cravat. As he finishes, he folds them neatly and places them in a drawer. He towards his desk and lays the small increment onto the table. He flops down onto his chair and stares at it. But before he can get lost in his thoughts, he heard a knock at the door.

"Come in.," he says in his monotone voice. Hanji walks in, silently shutting the door behind her. Levi looks at her, slightly surprised at her late-night visit.

"What is it Hanji? Is something wrong?" He asks the usually bouncy squad leader. She eyes him as she pushes her glasses higher onto her nose.

"It's about Eren.," she says displeasure.

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Yahoooooo!!!! Another chapter down. Thx for reading. A little note, Levi and Hanji will start becoming suspicious of Eren's activities and try to act upon it. Eren will try to hide it with all his might but somethings just aren't meant to stay hidden. Please understand that if you are going through this that there are people who can help you. If you ever need someone to talk to just message me and I will try my best to get back to you as soon as I can. Luv ya's