i want to run away and hide
this is the nth time i have thought this and it seems like every time i say it, it's obvious i haven't changed.
is it possible for anyone to be as unchanging as me?
why is it so difficult to fly these days?
the eyes i am watching my everything through
it seems like everyone is moving forward except me
only me
this feeling is just a phase.
i'm not truly alone.
if i ask anyone right now, i am sure they would tell me in their own way
i am fine and things will get better.
but this ditch i'm in is pretty deep right now.
the more i look and scrutinize at myself
the more i really feel that i am just not as much as you say
and think.
i have not changed since many years ago.
my ambitions have fallen again.
my eyes have not been able to shine for a long time now.
it seems impossible for me to avoid the inevitable,
my demise.
maybe this is my punishment for pushing away all the hands that reached out to me.
not once have i put in the right effort
not once have i managed to let my voice escape from my throat.
i know i can't expect people to wait for me forever.
patience is not infinite and it wears over time.
so it is understandable that now i am seeing everyone's back right now.
but i won't call.
is it that i won't or i can't?
i'm not sure i have the right to call for someone right now.
and for that matter, i'm not even sure who i can or should call.
there is no right answer for my dilemma,
and i'm not sure there even is one.
regardless, i guess right now i will still keep waiting even though no one else can.
it is fine.
i still think that one day, i will be able to crawl out of this myself
quietly
slowly
while still being as unnoticeable as i always have been.
i may not have wings but i still have my thoughts.
as long as i am still alive, i will be able to think my way through dilemmas like this
right?
i wish i could be half the butterfly everyone else seems to be.
i know everyone still has struggles like me.
but the things they do seem so much more significant and beautiful.
i want to be a beautiful force in nature too.
i hope one day i can wallow in myself and call myself beautiful
too.
