Catarina
I walk downstairs slowly trying not to get any attention on me. All of this situation is freaking me out, Hero lied to me about his wife for months, God knows what else is he hiding from me and how will I find out about it. If he keeps secrets from me why are we even trying? What are we? My heart breaks every time I find out something new, I get anxiety, I get hurt and all of this is not healthy, we are not healthy, but dammit I love Hero, I love Hero more than my brain wants me to love him and that love is only getting bigger and stronger because no matter what he does, I know he is not the one responsible for his fucked up past, well, he kinda is, but he doesn't deserve that much hate.
After being completely lost in my thoughts I see Hero from a little window, sitting on a terrace with a beer in his hand. I don't know what is going on in his mind right now, but I wish I could somehow get in and read everything. I need some time, I am freaking out, I am mad, hurt, disappointed and tired, but at the other hand I am also mad at Hero and I don't know what to do. That's why I grab a small piece of paper and write on it "I'm out, I'll be back by the morning, don't worry about me" before putting it on the couch and leaving this huge house.
I don't know where I'll go, outside is cold and really dark, luckily it's not raining, I don't want to end up like the night I met Hero, with another mysterious man in life.
Without even thinking I find myself walking straight to Chad's house and here I am: totally stubbornly knocking on the door. Soon enough, as expectedly, Chad opens, once again surprising me with his new good shape. "Catarina? What are you doing here?" his voice is a bit raspy, but it's calm, even a bit pleasing. "I, I don't know, I can't be at home right now and I didn't know where else to go, shall I leave?" I cover my hands with the sleeves of my shirt with some tears in my eyes included and Chad shakes his head before moving from the door politely. "No no, come in, this was your home after all" I bite my lip and walk inside. He is right, this place was my home, this was my first home away from my parents. Most of my tears fell on this floors along with the blood drops from the times Chad used to hurt me. My first time was here, my first kiss was here. All of the crazy and bad memories happened here. No matter how bad they are, they are still memories and they exist.
"Do you wanna drink something?" Chad asks and I look around paying attention to every little detail. Whole house is clean, broken vases that used to lay on the shelves for months are now replaced with beautiful and matching decorations, the carpet is also new, blood and wine drops from it are gone and the air is just much cleaner, fresher and it smells like a home should smell. "Just water please" "Are you sure?" he looks at me with his brown eyes full of confusion and I nod my head. "Mhm".
5 minutes later we are sat across each other while I am avoiding looking at him even tho I know he is staring at me. I am glad he didn't ask me what happened and why am I here because I don't know how would I explain what happened and if I'd have energy to keep stable while talking.
"Can I ask you something?" Chad snaps me out of my thoughts and I nod my head. "Sure". I am glad he is keeping his distance from me and that till now he wasn't forcing me to talk. "Did you ever love me the same way you love Hero?" he asks, that question hits me like a thunderstorm, I never thought I'd have to answer something like that, but turns out I do now and I don't know what to say so I just sigh. "That is different, those are two different loves. You were my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first love and my first everything, I loved you, you were so sweet to me, but then drugs took you away, those stupid drugs took away my Chad that I used to love and every time you slapped me, every time you handcuffed me, every time you were drunk or high my heart broke and you made me hate you. But then, Hero came, he saved me, he was my real life hero and my saviour, he showed me how the real love feels, he is the one I imagine my future with, he made me feel safe, when I was with you and you were poisoning yourself I thought I'd never feel safe again, but then Hero showed up and flipped my whole world around for which I am really thankful. His past also might be fucked up, but at the end of the day I love him so much till the point my heart can't take it and nothing will ever change that." I manage to say now shivering a bit. I was never good with letting out my feelings, all my thoughts were stuck inside my brain, but now most of them are here, flying in the space between Chad and me.
"I understand, thank you for explaining, but I understand you love him more because if you loved me also nothing could have change that" he says quietly looking at his cup with the nonalcoholic beer inside. "I should get going" I stand up fastly and walk to the door avoiding this situation right now, I don't want to explain more things cause not even I am sure of what I feel. I hate awkward situations and this is one of them. Chad looks up to me and nods his head. "Okay, come whenever you want, you don't have to be scared of me nor to talk to me" he says and I bite my lip. "Thank you" I disappear from his house as fast as I can and now there are only me and my over thinker thoughts again.
