The end is never the end. It's always the beginning of something.
― Kate Lord Brown, The Perfume Garden
She sat anxiously, her luggage on one side, while waiting for her departure. She was about to board a plane bound to Texas and vowed to never to return. Katerina decided to leave the life she once chose because she was no longer happy. She thought hard about her decision and decided to take on a new path - a new life she dreamed would be different. A better one than that she had settled for, for almost six years.
Katerina is leaving everything that is unhappy in a few minutes. She mustered up all her courage to risk everything that is left in her. In her mind, the pain of her actions will last months or years but she can live with that idea, than spend the remaining times of her life in a relationship that was bound to crash anyway. She patiently waited for the boarding announcement and she knew in her heart it was the moment of no turning back. She stood up, took a deep breath and waited in line. She was about to hand in her ticket when her phone beeped.
She read, Lets fix this.
***
It was love at first sight for Katerina and Jason. Like a whirlwind love affair, they married after four months of dating. Both felt sure that it was the right time, and they were meant for each other. It did not take years for them to know how great their love was. They knew in an instance that they were meant for each other. They grew into their commitment and they managed to blossom their relationship into six beautiful painful years.
In the beginning, like with other couples, Katerina and Jason made terrible adjustments for each other. They werent the most compatible of couples, but they complemented each other. Katerina was Jasons anchor, and Jason was Katerinas fortress. They agreed to disagree, fought over the smallest to the biggest issues in their relationship, and at the end of each problem they managed to reconcile, to work it out. It was commitment and love they thought that lead them to sticking it out with each other. And maybe it was just the natural effect of the seven-year itch in marriages, which they were about to get into.
But things have gotten worst between them. They seemed to have had more issues than affection for each other. Katerina and Jason grew distant day by day, and that they have allowed the void in their relationship to grow deeper and wider. None of them wanted reconciliation anymore. Maybe not because love was lost, but just because anger was stronger. They cant really tell who is to blame. Was its Jasons job, which compelled him to leave home for months and not see Katerina? Was its Katerinas difficulty in conceiving that tended Jason to act cold and indifferent? Was its Jasons vices or Katerinas temper or her demands in their relationship? They did not know. They did not choose to know. Both were tired of each other. Both got tired of compromise. Both stopped enduring. Katerina and Jason ceased trying.
And so, weeks and months passed and they are still married. But this time their marriage was no longer a relationship. It was purely a contract they needed to fulfill. A contract that cannot expire, yet. Jason chose to commit to his job, his friends, and his vices, and he was convinced he cannot give his wifes demands and needs anymore; while Katerina focused on herself and her job. They did not mind the absence of one another. They no longer yearn for each other. Katerina and Jason got comfortable with the cold space between them, which used to be warm. The space between them seemed to have made both to breathe again and live again on their own. The growth that once they shared in their relationship resulted to a freedom, they did not think they needed, or maybe wanted. This situation lingered long enough for their pride and anger for each other to grow roots in their hearts. Madness turned to anger, love into hate. But nobody has yet to admit that theyve fallen out of love.
Katerina is an independent woman. She never really wanted marriage. She had been into many failed long-term relationships before Jason and she thought that the butterflies do not last long anyway. But somehow, she saw something in Jason that made her change her mind. She thought that Jason was a man of his words and that hed be a good husband to her and a father to their future children. Four months was enough for her to realize this. It was beautiful in the beginning. Jason was attentive to all her needs and was very caring and present despite the demands of his job. He was also supportive of Katerinas visions and plans. Jason wasnt the jealous and expressive type, but he had his ways and charms in showing his affection to Katerina. He was also a funny guy, which is the opposite of Nina, as he would fondly call her. Jason was Ninas exact opposite and she liked the balance in their relationship. What Nina lacked Jason provided. And it worked both ways. But Nina grew tired of these lacks. In the beginning she was understanding of them. She knew on the outset that marrying a navy is challenging. She was ready for it, she thought. And she was. But then time went on, the relationship became too comfortable, and the lacks became normal. She started yearning for effort and consistency from Jason. She became meticulous of what Jason puts into the relationship as her efforts seemed to have been left unreciprocated. Nina had always been vocal about her needs from Jason and she fought for them. In most times she won, and got what she wanted, but Jason finally stopped giving her demands. Jason felt his world became smaller because of Ninas assertiveness on how she wanted their relationship to run. Nina wanted a perfect husband, whom she thought was Jason, and was in the beginning. But people change no matter what choices they made before. Attitudes are bound to change along feelings. Nina and Jason knew that they both changed, and their relationship could not keep up with them. More and more the silence between them had worsen and talking it out felt purposeless. Nina still hoped they could fix it, but Jason played cool and kept quiet.
The quietness and emptiness of their relationship remained unsettled. In Ninas head she was ready to end it. She thought about annulment, legal actions in properties, explaining to her family the failure of her marriage, the moving on, and going overseas. She had it all planned out. She was convinced that Jason felt the same, at least with his no action and response to things, at least thats how he made her feel. Women and men are entirely different when dealing with their emotions. Nina and Jason being on both the opposite sides of the pole, they could not find a common ground to settle their issues. Nina wanted confrontation, but Jason wanted silence. She thought that was the best way to end it– irreconcilable differences. But she knew she had to wait for Jasons decision on the matter. Besides, he is still her husband and God knows, they are still worth saving.
Nights have become sleepless for Nina. Her mind is filled with thoughts, confusion, questions, and doubts. She thought she was way past the problem and that she was ready to move on. But being married to Jason for almost six years makes it difficult for her to be firm. Her thoughts kept going back and forth. She knew she still loves him, but could that love be enough to endure a little bit more? Until this weird thought crossed her mind: I need to do something to check if my heart still belongs to him.
