A broken heart makes you reckless. That's what I thought as I made my way towards a neon-lit alley. It was my twenty-second birthday and I was drunk as fuck made more careless by the fact that my boyfriend of two years surprised me with a break-up. Over the phone at that.
Five hours earlier I wasn't drunk, I was actually sober and on my way to my boyfriend's apartment to talk. In whatever form of conversation he'd require.
Nathan was my first boyfriend and I had always thought that he would be my last. We were friends since we were in diapers and he courted me all throughout college. But like what I had promised our parents, I only agreed to become his girlfriend after we graduated.
"Kilala mo naman 'yang kinakapatid mo, Eira, masyadong focused sa mga bagay na gusto n'ya. Kapag 'yan sinagot mo, ay naku, hindi na 'yan uuwi at dito na 'yan sa inyo pipirmi. Baka hindi pa 'yan maka-graduate," Tita Janice, Nathan's mother, had gently cautioned me.
"Hindi ko pa naman po s'ya sinasagot, Tita."
"'Yun na nga, pero nakikita ko kung paanong nahuhulog 'yung loob mo sa kanya at nararamdaman kong malapit mo na 'syang sagutin. Which is okay dahil botong-boto ako sa'yo at ang usapan naman talaga namin ng Mommy mo ay ang ireto kayong dalawa ni Nathan sa isa't isa. Pero, nakikiusap ako, h'wag muna. Sabihin mo sa kanya na sasagutin mo s'ya kapag nakapagtapos na kayo ng pag-aaral. Kahit ba magpakasal na kayo kaagad, eh. Hindi bale, alam ko namang ikaw lang ang gusto n'yang anak ko at sigurado akong maghihintay 'yan sa'yo."
And he did wait and I was truthfully relieved to be part of the population of women who are already taken. I wasn't sure why but there's something comforting about the idea that you've already found the one.
For more than a year, we were happy until he started demanding for more.
"Ano ba naman, Nathan..."
"Bakit?"
"Ang likot ng mga kamay mo..."
"Sino pa bang lilikutin ng mga kamay na 'to kundi ikaw?"
"Hindi nga ako komportable—ano ba?!"
"Shit naman, Eira, ano bang meron at ninenerbiyos ka tuwing hinahawakan kita? Masama bang hawakan ko 'yung hita ng girlfriend ko o 'yung dibdib n'ya? Girlfriend kita pero kung umasta ka parang diring-diri ka sa akin!"
"Hindi pa nga ako ready—"
"Kailan ka pa magiging ready? Two years na tayo pero naiilang ka pa rin sa akin! Kinakantiyawan na nga ako ng mga kaibigan ko kasi sa aming lahat ako na lang ang hindi pa nakaka-score sa girlfriend ko—"
"Why the hell would you tell your friends about our intimate moments? Kinukuwento mo 'yung mga ginagawa natin sa mga kaibigan mo?"
"Of course not! But they can sense that we're still not doing it. Besides, ano namang ikukuwento ko kung wala namang nangyayari—"
"'Yun lang ba? 'Yun lang ba ang gusto mo sa akin ang maikama ako?"
"Pucha naman, liligawan ba naman kita nang apat na taon kung 'yun lang!"
"Bakit mo ba talaga ako niligawan?"
"Kasi nga mahal kita—"
"Mahal? Pero, hindi mo ako kayang irespeto? Bakit kailangan mo akong pilitin—"
"Ang tanong ay bakit ayaw mo?!"
"Did you just raise your voice at me?"
"Yes, I did! I am seriously getting pissed! Don't you trust me? Don't you love me? Don't you see your future with me?"
