Everywhere

Confessions - Part 1

SELIN POV

Demir left with Aslı closing the door, and leaving me alone in his room, only with my thinking to accompany me. There were many thing going in my head, and my emotions were over the place. I had agreed on staying here because I knew Aslı would be happy from it, but a part of me wondered if my decision had also considered the worried eyes that stared at me expectantly... maybe I was here not only because the child I loved like my own wanted me too, but also because of the man that endlessly cared for me...

I stood up, walking towards the window and opening it slightly, so maybe the air could help bring the clearness my mind so desperately craved for. My mind went to the first day I met him and then slowly reproduced my memories with him like the scenes of a film; I saw how much my soul had craved for him even when I didn't know him that well, I saw how my feelings grew with each passing they, I saw the hurt when thinking he didn't love me and the horrible ache when I though he would never do so. I saw our first kiss, reliving the turmoil of emotions we shared in it, the thrill, the excitement, the passion, the completeness... I remembered the way he carried me when my ankle got hurt, both when he came for me to the hospital and when he carried me back to the cottage at the camp... I remembered the haunted eyes, filled with worry that regarded me when thinking I was ill, recognizing them again in the way he stared at me this morning...

In the movie running behind my eyes, I saw everything we had gone through since the moment we met, I watched myself falling in love with him mindlessly, and I could see how beautiful it had been... why did it turn out so messy for me? Allah give me some guidance. I love Demir, I love him so much... how could something so beautiful be so scary at the same time? I knew where my fears came from, I knew what stopped me from totally giving in... but I was just so scared.... My love was so intense already, and it kept growing, every hour, every second of every day... it was uncontrollable as I could only sit and stare how it consumed and fired every part of my soul... and with it, I couldn't help to think and overthink, what would happen to me if he left me... what would happen to me if didn't work out? Was I going to be able to over-come it?

Since everything that happened to me before, I had never doubted my strength, my capacity to stand alone and strong through the worst storms... but the more time I passed with them, the less I knew how standing only by myself was like... the less I wanted to stand only by myself really... I was discovering, after so so long, how being cared for felt like, how having someone that worries for you felt like... I was rediscovering how having a family felt like, and the more I was immersed in it, the less willing I was of letting it go...

My eyes drifted towards Demir's bed behind me, and I imagined what would it be like sharing this bed with him... falling asleep in his arms... waking up in his arms... kissing him while laying on it... touching him and being touched by him... A shiver traveled through my spine as an explosive desire swept over me... a desire to share this bed with him, to share this room, this house with him, a desire to share my life with them... but if let myself go there, if I let myself live that life with them, then I wouldn't be able to survive it if it was ever over... What would happen to me, if I let myself go in my love for him and then he left me? What would happen to me if I gave the last parts of my life that still remained only with me... and then he left me?

"Selin abla?" – Aslı's voice behind me jolted me away from my thoughts – "I brought you breakfast" – Aslı was carrying a tray with food on it, she was so small and the tray was so big, I couldn't help how much my heart squeezed with all the love I had for her... it must have been so uncomfortable to her to carry it, but she had such a big smile on her face... she was pure and naive and she loved me so much.

I took the tray from her hands placing it on the console in front of the bed, then taking Aslı in my arms. I kissed her cheeks many times, not wanting to let her go and her giggles filled with warmness my soul. It didn't last long though, she had to go to school and when Demir called for her I almost begged him to let her stay for the day.