I write these words not as a longing for a reader but a longing for understanding. I say these words not as a longing for acceptance but a longing for notice.
Someone once showed me a crocket version of love but it didn't effect my ability to do it. It did though affect my ability to accept it properly. Makes you wonder why love exist but to think that is irrational. One bad experience shouldn't ruin everything else. I am human. I am imperfect so my clouded view absolutely stems from my bad experience. I always wondered if I grew up with a better father figure would that change who I am. I'd like to see myself as a cold hearted person with no cares. I dont know if Im lying to myself or everyone else. I wish I was cold.
When my father died I was angry and if i could explain why i would. I remember growing up so angry with him because in my mind how can dads be like that. He was lazy and selfish and i hated that about him but what i hated most was that almost everything that made his personality is who i am. I have his mind, his heart, and his genuine love for people but why couldn't he love me with that energy. I was angry with him for so long that when he died i wish i had let some of that go before. Im sorry.
Sleep Easy Dad 3-30-2018
