If Feeling Could Talk

Chapter 1 ~ PRETEND.

Another winters day, the shivering cold fills my nose and turns it numb. The cold winter mornings make me happy. I feel the world slowly wake, the sounds of birds waking later than normal. The wind hitting the walls and rustling the trees. Oh, how they are calming. I lay in bed, alarm after alarm until I worked up the courage to pull back the covers that kept me warm. I hop from the warmth and comfort to a cold shiver running down my spine. I scurry to get some warmer clothing on. The wreck of my room makes it harder to find something clean. Clothes and rubbish are littered everywhere but, ill get to it tomorrow. I said that yesterday too but I just can't today. As I finally find some clean warm clothes I go and gather my belongings for the day. Another school day, restless and tired. If only I could say home but this routine stops me from going mad. I gather my essentials and then... maybe just the gaming console. Comfort for the breaks. I wish to stay home in these winter days but everyone tells me otherwise.

I open my door to the frosty morning air hitting my face. The sun shines down, beckoning to those who can hear its call. I ignore it. I take my things and myself inside, putting on the happiest smile I can and tell my family hello. They say it back but it's just a lot of effort to even leave my bed. I hide my true thoughts and feelings because who needs to hear them when they have their own troubles. I stay silent, packing some food again. The same routine I've had every day. When the time comes I leave the house to the car. Bag in the back and sit in the front. Pretend. I smile and pretend that everything is okay and that the urge to cry wasn't there.

We arrive at school. Pretend. I walk in pretending I have this confidence. That I'm happy and I'm not thinking of new ways to die today. Yesterday it was the train home, today maybe a truck. Pretend. I push it behind me and I try to focus on what I have for the day. I meet my partner and best friend. I just wanna go home. I smile and wave, hug, and talk about what happened after school yesterday. Pretend. I say I just napped and helped with dinner but the truth won't come out. I didn't do them. I laid in bed, silent, under the covers until I was called for dinner. They seem so happy, I won't tell them the truth.

Time for class. Pretend. I sit there, on my phone, trying to find some ounce of motivation. Nothing. No motivation at all. Pretending gets hard. Fake a smile and I'll be okay. I pretend to do work so I don't get asked what I'm doing. I sit silently. Next class yet? Nope. Pretend a little longer, 5 more hours... same routine, every class, and break. 4 hours left. # hours. 2. Last hour of school. Minutes. Seconds. Pretend for a little longer, keep on the smile, and fake happiness for them. A little longer. Even if it feels like time has stopped. A few more moments. Son you won't have to be in front of them

Home time. Pretending again. The train home, quite as my mind wondered at how many ways I could die. There and then. The train could fall off the tracks, someone just kills me, the train hits something and crashes. How many possibilities could I imagine until my stop? So many. My stop. I get off the train and I'm alone, walking home. This part I don't have to pretend with. No one knows me. I can look down, finally open up to the numbness I feel. I don't need to pretend anymore. Oh.. I'm home... Smile. Happy. Great day. Pretend. Prent. Pretend.

Home. I'm finally home. The day was long.. I'm so tired. So numb. So empty. I lay in bed. I don't need to pretend when I'm alone. I can be me. The depression shows. The pain and tears finally show to the surface, I can release the feelings. I cant... They need me inside. NO more crying. No pain. No emotion but happiness. Pretend. Pretend. PRETEND. Just a little longer. Pretend. Up out of bed, inside I go. I smile. Pretend school was great. Smile. Happy. Pretend. I keep the smile going. Pretend harder. No crying. Happy only. For them. They only need you to be happy. No other emotion.

Dinner is done. No more pretending. I leave to go to my room. I finally changed into my comfortable clothes finally. They can't hear me cry in my room. I can cry and scream and they won't hear or see it. Finally, I can lay down. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Why can't I sleep? The way my mind plays in bed. The arguments. My death. Showing emotion. The mind wanders and wonders until I come back to reality and realize... it's 3 AM. sleep. Sleep. Oh just SLEEP. I can't... I put a fan on, it helps... I finally calmed down enough to sleep. Sleep... no pretending. Just sleep.

Another winter day. Pretend. Like yesterday. The day before, and how you will do it again tomorrow. Smile and pretend the numb pain isn't there. No change. Just pretend like normal.