He's Online! (Online #1)

106// Bryan's Journal

Bryan's Journal (Part 1)
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Luis Bryan Dy's Journal

Page 1

04-23-2017

I decided to write on this journal. Wanna know why? I can't keep my feelings on my own. Also, I can't tell this to Sonya even though I want to. We broke up. Damn, it really hurts. Ganito ba talaga ang pakiramdam ng unang break up?? Wala siyang gaanong sinabi. Hindi siya nagtanong kung bakit. Pero ramdam kong nasasaktan din siya.

Gusto kong sabihin ang totoo. Gustong-gusto ko. Pero sabi ni Orion, kaibigan ko, mas mabuti na raw na hindi niya alam para hindi siya lalong masaktan at mahirapan.

I broke my promise. Sabi ko, sa 2nd anniversary namin, ipapakilala na namin sa magulang namin ang isa't isa. My mom probably wants it, same as with Sonya. Pero itinago namin ito para malaman kung sigurado na ba kami sa isa't isa. Kung ako ang tatanungin, mabilis akong sasagot na siya na nga.

But an unexpected thing happened, my mom found out about us a few weeks ago. As an only heir, she said that I should follow my dad's footsteps. I should focus on my studies for my future. And she told me that I'm going to study abroad when I'm in college, 2 years from now. Ah, I can spend my remaining time here in the Philippines with Sonya. That's what I thought at first.

But I realized, I can't tell her to wait for me until we graduated in college. I can't tell her to wait for things that are uncertain. She might not enjoy her life if she tied herself on me, if she keeps loving me even if I'm far from her. I asked for Orions's advice, he told me to break up with her.

I'm not happy about it. We're not happy about it, but I think it's for the best.
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Page 2

05-21-2017

It's been weeks since our break up. She's changed. I can no longer see happiness in her eyes. I wonder if her friends noticed it. Our relationship is hidden and she told me that even her friends don't know about it, she must be lonely right now. She said that she would tell her friends about us on our 2nd anniversary. Before, I was looking forward to that date, but now, I don't want it to come. I might break down because of regrets and sadness. I might regret that I broke up with her and let her go easily.

I hope someone will help her because I myself can't do it.

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Page 3

10-02-2017

Stupid notebook, it's our 2nd anniversary. The time that isn't for us anymore. That time that's supposed to be one of the happiest moments in our life. I am observing her. She wanted to approach me but she chose not to. And I don't know if I should be happy or not. I want to clear the misunderstanding. She might think that I have a new girl, but I don't. I want to tell her that she's the only woman I love.

On second thought, I think it's fine. So that she will have a reason to hate me. To move on.

I hope this pain will end soon.

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Page 4

12-25-13

I want to call her and greet "Merry Christmas." I want to keep in touch with her. But God knows that I can't. I want to give her a gift to show that I still think of her, that I still love her. I'm trying my best to hold back... to pretend that I fell out of love with her. But d*mn, it really hurts.

Our memories kept coming back, I miss her. 

Pity that I am not able to thank her for teaching me how to love. For being sorry for the promise I broke and for leaving her without telling anything. Kent said that I did the right thing. But why do I feel that it seems wrong even if it's the right thing to do?

Probably because I don't want to hurt her, but I already did.

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Page 5 

01-26-18

Saturday night. Iniisip ko na naman siya. Kung sabagay, lagi ko naman siyang iniisip, lalo na kapag wala akong ginagawa. Mag-iisang taon na pala buhat nag maghiwalay kami. Hindi ko namalayan. Basta ang alam ko lang, hindi ako masaya ngayon. Akala ko basta magkasama kami, wala na akong iisiping iba. Hindi ko alam na darating ang araw na parang hindi na kami magkakilala.  Gusto kong sisihin ang mga magulang ko dahil isa sila sa mga dahilan kung bakit kami naghiwalay. Pero sa huli, ako pa rin talaga yung may kasalanan. Nagpadala ako sa nararamdaman ko, hindi ko inisip yung maaaring kakalabasan ng desisyon ko. 

Even if I want to hold on, it's too late for the both of us. I have to be strong, even if I think that I'm dying. Does first break up really feel this way? It's been a year but the pain is still the same. It d*mn hurts.

Pero sa kabilang banda, masaya na rin ako dahil nangyari ang lahat ng ito.

I am happy that I love her. Honesty, I learned many things because of her. She taught me how to love. I am happy because I have memories with her, and I will treasure it. I'll remember everything.

I'm sorry that I can't say anything to you. I am not able to say sorry or thank you.  But I want you to know that I will never forget you. In the future, I hope I'll be able to see your smile again.