Wolfstar Oneshots For The Soul

Keep The Stars Inside

Summary: Sirius struggles with internalized homophobia, this is kind of just his journey to accepting himself, and accepting his feelings for Remus. this was a prompt from a box of old prompts I have. Both my ADHD and my writing issues are present in this work, i'm so sorry.

Pre-read note: TW:

Homophobic slurs!Internalized Homophobia! (a lot it's essentially the plot)Implied Abuse (it's sirius black what do you expect)Self Loathing (it's remus lupin what do you expect)I think that's it. I'm so sorry, please try to enjoy this mess :)

September of fifth year, and Peter was already droning on about what girl he thought was cute again.
"Sirius, we're the only single ones left"
"James is single" Sirius pointed out.
"Yeah but not emotionally" Peter teased.
"Words can hurt!" James pouted.
"Okay, I guess you can partake in this conversation. So I mean, Amelie is adorable but-" God he just can't shut up can he?

 Sirius rolled his eyes slightly and sunk deeper into the couch. He was gazing over at Remus and that fourth year girl. Fucking Viola. The way she played with his hair and traced his scars. The way her little stupid delicate shoulders fit perfectly under his arm. And the way Remus looked at her, his eyes lighting up with the brilliance of the milky way.

"Sirius" Peter's voice cut through whatever realm his mind had wandered into. "Sirius?"
"What?" Sirius said shaking his head slightly and regaining eye contact.
"Are you going to answer my question?" Peter asked furrowing his brow slightly. Peter couldn't help but think that if he was James Sirius probably would've already replied and asked a follow up question. But that's not what this story is about.
"Which one?" Sirius asked. Peter almost always asked things in clusters.
"Well which girls in our grade do you think are the prettiest- wait choose one from each house-"
"Um" Sirius glanced around the common room. Fuck. He never really thought about this stuff. He tried to think about names other people had brought up. "None of the Slytherins" He smirked.
"Lavinia Rosewood is cute" James shrugged. That shocked both of them.
"You think a slytherin is cute?" Sirius said clutching his heart from the feign betrayal.
"You think a girl other than Lily is cute?!" Peter asked at the same time.
"You can appreciate someones looks without wanting to date them" James shrugged. 

That made Sirius think, maybe he could just appreciate that someone like Remus for example was good looking. It wasn't hard to see. His perfect face, and his soft curls, his jawline, the way his lips-

"Sirius? What's wrong with you?" It was James cutting through his thoughts this time.
"Hmm?" Sirius glanced up meeting his eyes.
"You keep zoning out, we still have gryffindor slytherin and hufflepuff left, c'mon man.
"Oh yeah, right, um, Marlene?" He said wearily. He'd definitely heard Dorcas comment on how pretty she was.
"Oh totally!" Peter agreed. "She's gorgeous, but I mean Hottest is probably Mary, that rack-"
Sirius made a face with a glare. "Gross" He muttered.
"What?" Peter looked up slightly startled by Sirius repulsion.
"I just mean, we've known her since we were eleven Pete. It's just ~weird~ like, why does it have to be about having tits or whatever" Sirius was always tentative about that stuff, because, I mean he wouldn't want to seem like a shirt-lifter.
Pete shot a look at James. James shrugged.
"He does go on long feminist rants when he's drunk, why are you surprised?" James snickered. "Also Lily, I love Marlene, but Lily-"

Sirius used to think Lily liked Remus. Which made him aggravated. What if Remus had ended up dating Lily, James would never recover. That was it, right, that was as far as it went. He glanced over again at Remus. The girl was kissing his neck which caused Sirius to roll his eyes and turn away in repulsion. How was Remus enjoying that. Having a girls tongue on your neck. That did not sound like a fun time. Besides why did he have to do it in the middle of the fucking common room?